On A Knife Edge
by Warrior princess922
Summary: "You are turning your back on the Capitol and the President himself. What would Cato say?" "Well, that we'll never know, thanks to you. Because Cato's dead." "Really?... Says who?" Clove wins the 74th Hunger Games, but she is not the only one to have left the Arena alive. Sequel to 'Mocking Games'. Clove&Cato
1. Blackmail

**Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me**

 **Rating: M (language, violence)**

 **A/N: English is not my first language.**

 **Summary:** _"You are turning your back on the Capitol and the President himself. What would **Cato** say?"_ _"Well, that we'll never know, thanks to you._ _ _Because Cato's **dead**."_"Really?" Snow growled and little did I know he was about to say words that were going to haunt me for months. "Says **who**?"  
Clove wins the 74th Hunger Games, but she is not the only one to have left the Arena alive. Sequel to Mocking Games. Clove&Cato  
_

 _ **Recap:** Clove and Cato volunteered together as tributes for the 74th Hunger Games. But nothing went according to their plan. The rules were changed. All tributes were divided in teams and were to protect one another in order to increase their chances of survival. Once bloody and brutal, Cato and Clove, separated from each other, are forced to team up with those they had planned to eliminate during Bloodbath. As days pass by and they get to know their allies, both begin to lose their Career qualities that made them who they were before the Games. Vicious District 2 Careers find themselves reborn into people they no longer recognize, which not only changes the entire game, but also opens up the possibility that there is one thing they both want more than the crown - they want each other. _

* * *

**On A Knife Edge**

 **~ Sequel to 'Mocking Games'**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: "Blackmail"**

 _"Are you in danger of becoming a good man?"_

 _~ Gladiator_

* * *

 _Tears filled my eyes and I was glad he could not see them. Tears were weak. I couldn't let him see me at my weakest. I was already on the losing end of this fight._

 _"What you are doing right now, Miss Raven is beyond all kinds of foolish," he said with a laugh that reminded me of the mutts' barks. "You are turning your back on the Capitol and the President himself. What would **Cato** say?"_

 _I fumed. Spinning around on my heels I stormed across the room right back to the table and rested my trembling hands on it, glaring right into Snow's eyes with as much intensity and hatred as I was capable of._

 _"If he was here," I hissed, my voice dripping with despise. Unafraid. "he would be standing right next to me telling you all the places you can stick your deal."_

 _"I personally think he would have been more reasonable than you, Miss Raven," Snow said, leaning back in his chair casually as if we were discussing a dinner recipe._

 _"Well, that we'll never know, thanks to you." I murmured, my fingernails scratching the table's surface as my hands curled into fists. "Because Cato's **dead**."_

 _"Really?" Snow growled and little did I know he was about to say words that were going to haunt me for months._

 _Sitting up straight with his hands knitted together in front of him and that smug, evil smirk still present on his face, he said:_

 _"Says **who**?"_

It was suddenly so cold; it went deep inside my bones to the point I could no longer tell if I was numb or simply _dead._ Truth was... I _was_ as good as dead. My body was alive, but I was a shell of a human being. I was empty and hollow. Terrifying voices filled my head and they kept getting louder until I was quite positive that I was going insane. But they wouldn't stop. They kept screaming inside my head, a bunch of words that I had to try really hard to distinguish from each other.

 _My name is Clove Raven. My home is district 2. I was a tribute in the 74th Hunger Games._

The wind was blowing my hair all over, making it go in my mouth and eyes and I didn't care. I stood in front of that train yet again, waiting for someone to come and physically move me, but with time I realized that would be pathetic. Clenching my fists and throwing one last look at the nothingness I was leaving behind, I took a big step and walked inside. As soon as I did, the door closed, letting me know just how little of control I had over every and any future aspect of my life as one of the Victors.

 _Victor._

How ridiculous it felt to be called one. How ridiculous _I_ felt, knowing that what I'd done had nothing to do with that title. I was anything _but_ victorious. I didn't feel any of the glory that I'd been promised. All those things I had once upon a time imagined I'd have once I've won the Hunger Games... Guess what? I had _none_ of those things. I had nothing. I felt nothing. I _was_ nothing.

 _My name is Clove Raven. My home is district 2. I am a Career. I volunteered as tribute for the 74th Hunger Games. I was forced to ally with tributes from district 11, 12 and 4. I am the lone survivor. I am a Victor._

Trying to breathe, though all I wanted was to stop, I walked in the direction of where I remembered I'd slept on my way to the Capitol a couple of weeks back which honestly felt like _years._ Before I was even halfway there, I stopped abruptly because I realized I was mistaken.

 _I wasn't alone on that train._

"Well _hello,_ Knife Girl. Took you long enough,"

I watched his face break into a rather smug grin as soon as he saw me. He sat there, lonely with a glass of liquor in his hand that I couldn't care less to try and identify. His eyes were as empty and cold as I felt and for a split second that similarity was almost comforting. I guess I wasn't the only miserable one. I wasn't the only pathetic one. "Who the hell are _you?"_ I decided to ask because I really wanted to know why someone had put that man on my train. I really wasn't in the mood for any company, especially not _that_ guy, whoever he was. He pretended to be offended by my ignorance and slapped the hand that wasn't holding the glass against his chest.

"I thought you'd be familiar with all Capitol _celebrities._ Even the hated ones,"

Confused, I took a couple of steps towards him, focusing my eyes on his liquor bottle. I couldn't fool myself; _I definitely wanted some_. I needed some sort of release. Something to numb my body the same way my mind has been for days now.

"Help yourself," the man encouraged me with a smirk, waving his hand at the bottle. "I'll share _gladly."_

He didn't have to tell me twice. At once I grabbed myself a glass and poured some of the alcohol into it. I put it to my lips and the strong scent hit my nostrils, making me cough lightly and causing my eyes to water. I sensed the man smirking up at me but I ignored it. The only time I ever had alcohol was in the Arena when Cato had decided it'd be a good idea to give me vodka as a painkiller. The thought of him alone made me want to take another vast sip. I squeezed my eyes shut as I swallowed the hot as fire liquid and felt it burn my insides.

 _My name is Clove Raven... My home is district 2... I am a Career..._

"Have a seat, Sharpy," Haymitch said, making the memory of Cato float to the back of my mind. Yet again I was almost overwhelmed with curiosity as to why he was even on the train with me. And so for once, ignoring his stupid nickname, I listened. I sat down in front of him and treated myself to a generous sip of the honey-colored liquid from my glass again. I winced immediately, feeling the now familiar burn going from the back of my throat down to my chest. I licked my lips and glanced up at the man, only now realizing I definitely had seen him around before.

"Now that you're all nice and comfy," the man drawled. "I guess we can have a talk." he drank from his glass without a wince and looked at me again with seriousness for the first time. "My name is Haymitch. I was Katniss and Peeta's mentor for the Games this year."

I choked again on my drink and decided it was time to put it away for a minute or two. _That's_ where I knew him from. _Haymitch._ Haymitch Abernathy. The only living victor district 12 had. "Why are _you_ here?" I asked, my frown only deepening. What the hell was going on?

 _"Why?"_ he echoed with raised eyebrows as if he couldn't believe that I hadn't figured that one out yet. He put his glass away and leaned forward. "I'm here, Clove because nobody else _wanted_ to,"

My face relaxed and I found myself looking away, digesting that information. _Of course._ Enobaria wanted nothing to do with me. Brutus had never really shown much interest so he definitely wasn't going to try and change it now. Besides... I really messed up and everyone saw how much I've managed to anger Snow. No one would dare to put their lives on the line for me. Why would they? So that left me with only one question;

"Did they give you a choice?" I asked, sincerely curious. "Did they threaten you into replacing Enobaria?"

Haymitch laughed a dry laugh and shook his head. He grasped his glass once more and took another hearty swig from it. _"Nah,"_ he rasped. "I _volunteered._ Just like you," he added with an amused smirk. "I guess we've just become partners in crime, haven't we?"

He chuckled, somehow finding all of it really hilarious. It was probably the liquor he'd downed before I even got here; his bottle was already almost empty. "You know what's at stake here, right?" I questioned, expecting for him to just dismiss that with another laugh, but surprisingly, his smirk faded slightly and his eyes lost their sparkle.

"Of course," he said in a deep voice. "had you not done so well in the Games, trust me... _I wouldn't have bothered."_

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to understand what he meant. I knew he couldn't give it to me straight; after all.. in Panem all walls have ears. "I see," was all I could respond with.

"First of all," he drawled, standing up, his legs a bit wobbly from all the alcohol. "I _truly..._ appreciate your loyalty to my mentorees," he gulped the rest of his drink and stared down at me, his tired, wrinkled face wearing an expression of pure exhaustion and sorrow. "You have managed to earn my respect, which is not the easiest thing to do," he half-snorted, half-chuckled and I raised my eyebrows coldly. Well, the rumors couldn't be more correct; Haymitch Abernathy surely liked to drink. But then again, I couldn't really blame him. Not now, anyway. He'd lost Katniss and Peeta. I could tell they meant something to him, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered mentioning them.

"So let me get this straight," I said, watching him pour what was left in the bottle into his glass. _"You_ are now the person that will chaperone my way through the victory tour?"

 _"Precisely,"_ he nodded, holding up his drink as if making a toast. "Cheers to that,"

I stopped a groan from making it out of my mouth when I realized that he was better than nobody. And if he could provide me with liquor along the way then that would be at least one advantage of the situation and I wasn't going to complain. It seemed as though he was grateful for how I had played things out in the arena with District 12 so at least I could be sure he was on my side. "Is it just the two of us?"

"Well, you don't exactly have a whole lot of a prep team, but District 12's escort and stylist will be working with you, as well, so we got ya covered,"

"Why would any of them want to help me?"

By that point, Haymitch gawked at me with his eyes wide, just a tiny bit of amusement in them. "I'm sorry, did you not pay attention _at all_ during the recaps? It shouldn't be a surprise now, should it?"

I frowned - it _was._ I still had no idea whatsoever how there was anyone that would want to help me out. Especially since I wasn't quite sure the purpose. Working with me could very quickly become a death sentence for anybody who dared to overstep. I knew that very well. _Did they not?_

"So," he drawled, suddenly more serious. "Wanna tell me what took you forever to get here?"

I had hoped so badly he wouldn't feel the need to ask me that question. Paralyzed, I stared at him with a fast growing lump in the back of my throat as a painful memory from only minutes before played in my head once again.

 _"Ready?" his hateful voice echoed in my ears and a sharp pain cut through my entire being. I no longer knew if it was an actual, physical pain or was it only in my head. I glared at him with hatred so intense it almost hurt. The door was now open and a Peacekeeper was inside, probably to make sure I wouldn't try anything stupid; like strangling Snow with my bare hands for instance. They were lucky that I'd been brought here for a specific reason. Otherwise, I would have sure tried to squeeze the life out of him._

 _One step. Two steps._

 _Slowly, I walked inside_ _the dark room, the only source of light being t_ _he one from the hallway. I looked over my shoulder and saw the dark figure of Cornelius Snow, his face covered by the shadow. He stood there like a statue, unmoving and unfeeling. I took another few steps forward and almost shuddered when the thought of what was about to go down sunk in again. When nothing happened for another minute or so, I got tired and huffed;_

 _"What the hell is this supposed to-"_

 ** _"Clove?"_**

 _I froze. That **voice.** I sucked in a breath and stood there, paralyzed, waiting. It was him. It **had to** be him. Suddenly, in front of me, a set of bright lights were switched on and I saw him._

 _Cato._

 _Standing right in front of me. **Alive.** Looking unharmed and healthy aside from terrifyingly white face and bloodshot eyes. His lips parted in disbelief at seeing me alive, as well. I felt my mouth form itself into a small smile as I charged toward him only to learn there was a glass wall between us. I felt rage slowly filling my insides, as I realized they wouldn't even let me touch him. All I wanted was to make sure he was real. To be able to smell his scent, so familiar to me by now. I knew I would recognize his embrace and then, I'd know for sure that this was not some kind of a sick joke-_

 _-wait. What if it **was**?_

 _I took a huge step back and Cato's smiling eyes went concerned. "Clove?" he croaked and I sucked in a breath. "What-"_

 _"What did I tell you?" I cut him off, my voice shaky. "The last time we saw each other... after Sasha stabbed me... **what** did I say?!"_

 _He frowned, startled. And it made my heart sink. He should have realized immediately what I meant. The Capitol knows many tricks. If this was really Cato... he should know. My thoughts traveled back to the Arena. I remembered him hovering above me as the whiteness of my upcoming death surrounded me. I remembered how sure I was that I would die right then and there. I remembered how I told him he had to go; that he had to go find her. Find Rue. And leave me alone to bleed out. To finally leave this place. I remembered I'd asked him to come closer so I could tell him something nobody else should hear-  
_

 _"What did I tell you, Cato!?" I exclaimed, losing the last bits of patience I had within me._

 _"Clove, what are you-"_

 _" **What** did I tell you needed to happen right before you left me alone!? **What** did I whisper in your ear that the cameras did NOT catch!?-"_

 _"SHE HAS TO WIN!" he yelled right back, effectively cutting my off and I stood there with my mouth open and eyes glistening. "You said..." he spoke softly now, placing his big hand on the glass wall. **"She has to win,"**_

 _I let out a heavy breath. It **was** him. It was really him. Snow told the truth. He really had kept him alive. But the euphoria I felt at having found out my only friend was still with me evaporated as quickly as it came about. Because only then did I start realizing what this actually meant._

 _I held his life in my very hands. Anything I'd do or would **not** do could result in him suffering from it. This was why Snow had gotten him out of the arena to begin with. And what was even worse... I knew deep inside that he will **never** let him leave. He'll just keep him locked in here and taunt me anytime he wants; make me do things, say things I'll regret._

 _"Clove, are you hurt? Are you alright?"_

 _His voice brought me back to this sad reality I was now stuck in. I swallowed hard and stepped closer to him, placing my hands up against the glass, as well. "Yeah," I breathed, licking my dry lips. "I'm fine. Are **you**?"_

 _He didn't respond. Very confused, he put his other hand against m_ _ine and looked deep into my eyes, making me almost forget where I was. "What the hell happened, Clove?" he whispered and I panicked. I glanced to the side where Snow stood, and though Cato couldn't see him, he didn't need long to catch up. "Look at me," he asked, but for another few seconds, I kept my eyes fixed on the man, his white hair shimmering, as he stepped into the light to send me a very telling glare. He didn't have to say a word. I knew very well what it meant; I was not to reveal a thing. "Clove, **look** **at me** ,"_

 _With a heavy heart, I took my gaze off of Snow and glanced into Cato's eyes once more. He too was giving me a sort of emphatic look and I felt a sharp pain cut right through my heart. "You know how much I can take, don't you? You **know** what I can handle."_

 _My breathing quickened. Of course I_ _knew. I had seen him get badly injured time and again in the past. I knew that, if anything, physical pain was something he'd been taught to tolerate and get through no matter how bad it may get. But this was different. **This** would be me putting him at risk on purpose. For what? He didn't have to know about any of it. Not yet. Not when he was locked in here anyway. I'd give anything for the luxury of being oblivious. I shook my head and he huffed. "Tell me what's going on,"_

 _"I can't," I choked out, sending him a pleading look. "I'm sorry but I **can't** ,"_

 _Cato cussed under his breath and walked away, turning his back on me, a troubled hand on the back of his head as he stood there, breathing heavily. I hoped he'd understand. I knew I would have a hard time myself had our roles been reversed. But he had to get it; the fact that I was only trying to protect him. That there was no need for him to find out and suffer for it. That we were both in hopeless positions as it was already. And I had no intentions to try and make it even worse._

 _His shoulders relaxed after a while and I let out a relieved sigh. It soon turned out though that I was very wrong to have assumed he'd just let it go. Before I knew it, he was storming back toward me, slapping both of his hands against the glass above his head as he glared down at me._

 _"Is it just the two of us?"_

 _"Cato, I just-" I started but he was done with my excuses._

 _" **Why** are we both still alive? What happened to Rue?"_

 _"Stop, I **can't** -" I tried again but every time I did, his voice would overpower mine._

 _"Has something happened in the districts? Why am I locked in here?!"_

 _"Please, don't-"_

 _"Who is the victor? How many days has it been? What'd they do to you!?"_

 _"Cato, I can't say **any** -_ _"_

 _"God **damn** it, TELL ME!"_

 _I shivered involuntarily and took a step back once more. He glared at me from behind that glass wall and I couldn't exactly say I blamed him for how mad he became. He'd been stuck in there for days without a clue about his whereabouts or why he was there in the first place. Confusion and rage surely had been his only friends before I came along. And now that I was here, I wouldn't give him any answers. Hell, I'd be furious too._

 _"Now that I've seen you alive, despite all the odds," I said, my lips just slightly trembling as I spoke. "The **last** thing you could make me do is give t_ _hem another reason to hurt you." I continued, watching the rage in his eyes slowly fade away. "So **no** , Cato. I won't tell you a thing."_

 _His eyes softened just slightly; I knew that my change of heart was a pretty new thing for him. He had never really heard me refer to him with something as degrading (in a Career's opinion) as concern before._ _Not even in the Arena, though my behavior pretty much spoke for itself._

 _He let out a raspy breath before leaning his forehead against the glass wall and I watched him with a lump in my throat. He looked so distraught. Still, so very angry with me for not sharing all the information. And so I pressed my head to the glass, right against his and said, "Listen to me," I whispered. And it was probably the softest sound I had ever let escape my mouth. "I don't have anyone else. It's just **you.** I don't have anybody but you. I know you're frustrated right now. I know you've been locked away from the world and have no idea what is going on. But Cato, after everything that has happened to us, I will **die** before I knowingly put you through any harm and that's what would happen if I told you anything right now. So go ahead and be mad if you want, I don't **care** ,"_

 _His glare only darkened and something deep within me did not take it as a good sign. I had no doubt at all that this was Cato. That this really was **him.** But something about him made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Something was not right. The way he looked at me was just slightly... off. Like there was some part of his old Career vicious self that stayed, which was something I was previously so sure he had gotten himself free from in the Arena. "Cato-"_

 _"I did **everything** to try and save you back there," he choked out, moving back. "Everything in my power just to make sure you'll live. And **this** is how you repay me?"_

 _I frowned, completely taken aback. Who was this person? He went from the Cato I remembered from the Arena to the one he probably used to be before I met him. "Did you **hear** what I just said-"_

 _"I don't give a **damn** what they're going to do to me and truth be told, neither do you, Clove, so just quit this act and **fucking tell me,** "_

 _My eyes widened in shock and I kept them that way until tears filled them. Cato glared at me intensely for another minute before blinking fast and pinching the bridge of his nose, as if he was in pain. "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I'm going **crazy** in here, I-" he put his hand on the back of his head again, in distress, and sent me a pleading look. "I didn't mean that,"_

 _I watched him without a word, my heart going wild inside my chest. What had they done to him? I knew very well that the Capitol knew a thousand ways to manipulate someone's thoughts and provoke an unlikely behavior. Had he been tortured? Had they already hurt him?_

 _"Hey," I whispered and he just turned his face away, as if too ashamed to look me in the eyes. "Cato, **look** at me," He swallowed hard and his hand went limp before he gazed at me once again, looking so helpless and full of regret. "I'm going to get you out of here," I promised and at once, I heard a Peacekeeper move towards me. "Just stay **alive**!" I added in a hurry before I felt my arm being harshly grabbed and I was forced back out in the hallway; Snow long gone.  
_

 _"No, no, wait-!" Cato yelled after me, hitting the glass with his fists. "Don't **touch** her! Clove-!"_

 _That was the last thing I heard. And then the door was shut close and I was left standing in front of it, staring at nothing, his voice still echoing in my head so realistically I almost thought I could still hear him;_

 _"CLOVE!"_

"Clove,"

I lifted my head and the memory of Cato faded instantly and there before me, sat a very baffled Haymitch Abernathy. His lips were moving and he was saying things to me that I could not care less about. The voices in my head took over once more;

 _My name... is Clove Raven. My home is district 2. I volunteered as tribute for the 74th Hunger Games... The rules were changed... Cato was not with me-_

"Clove?"

I blinked quickly a couple of times and cleared my throat. It took me another minute to remember his question, but eventually I did.

"I needed to speak to Enobaria, but as you can imagine it was a huge waste of time," I lied, taking comfort in the fact that this man did not know me at all, thus it'd be very difficult for him to detect my dishonesty. Snow never upfront told me to keep my mouth shut about Cato but it was no rocket science - I knew very well that if I told someone I'd either get that person killed _or_ Cato himself. So I didn't have to care for Haymitch to decide to keep quiet.

"Well," he drawled, sitting back. "Might as well get comfortable, Knives. We have a long journey ahead of us,"

I watched him down the rest of the liquor like it was juice and my body went numb. "Do you happen to have any more?" I asked without hesitation and he looked at me with amusement in his tired eyes.

 _"That was quick,"_ he chuckled and I figured he was referring to my needing alcohol as soon as I got on this goddamn train back to my district. But I couldn't help myself; ever since Cato had given me vodka to ease my pain in the Arena, I've been craving this delicious indifference and numbness that it caused. Now that I knew how it worked, I couldn't really blame Haymitch whatsoever. "Here you go, 2," he growled, handing me a bottle with _"rum"_ printed on it.

"Is that any good?" I asked with raised eyebrows and he grinned.

"Works just as well, _trust me."_

I nodded with a semi-smile sent his way before getting up and walking away from my now mentor. All I wanted was to drink all of this liquor I'd been given and hopefully forget who I was. At least for a few hours.

 _For just a couple of hours._

 _My name is Clove Raven. My home was district 2. I was a Career. Along with my partner, Cato Hawks, I was trained and then told to volunteer as tribute for the 74th Hunger Games. But the rules changed. I allied with others from district 11, 12 and 4. I had to watch them all die._

 _Up until today I thought I was the only survivor..._

 _... but I'm **not.**_

* * *

 **A/N:** Hello everyone. As mentioned above, this story is a sequel to Mocking Games, a fanfic that I have quite recently completed. To those who have been following it and waiting for this one to be posted, I am sorry it took me longer than expected. I really hope that you liked this first chapter and if you have any suggestions or comments, please review or PM me. :) I am very excited to start another journey with you guys. Of course, I will try my best to update as soon as possible.

Hope everyone's been enjoying 2018 so far!

~ Joanna


	2. No Way Out

**Chapter 2: "No Way Out"**

 _"Wake f_ _rom your sleep_  
 _The drying of y_ _our tears_  
 _Today w_ _e escape..._  
 _We escape..._

 _Breathe_  
 _Keep breathing_  
 _Don't lose y_ _our nerve_  
 _Breathe_  
 _Keep breathing_  
 _I can't do this..._ _Alone..._

 _You can laugh_  
 _A spineless laugh_  
 _We hope your r_ _ules and wisdom choke you_

 _Now w_ _e are one..._  
 _In everlasting peace_

 _We hope that you choke..._  
 _That you choke..."_

 _~ Radiohead 'Exit Music'_

* * *

 _"You're always here this early?"_

 _I glanced over my shoulder and saw Cato coming up to me from the other hand of the training room, this annoyingly smug grin plastered all over his face. "Not that it's **any** of your business, Bigfoot," I said with a smirk that did not reach my eyes._

 _"Ouch," he growled, grabbing himself a sword. "How about I make you pay for that comment, what do you say?"_

 _I rolled my eyes, unimpressed, but decided to put my knives away anyway. No matter how much he got on my nerves, I could not deny that he was a very strong Career. And I had made it a personal plan of mine to try and suck out any and every skill I can possibly pick up from training with him. I needed as much as there was to get if I ever wanted to be picked for a tribute in the Hunger Games._

 _I waited for him to come closer and as soon as he did, our swords clashed together with this satisfying sound I always loved to hear. "What has you think you'll be the one to make me pay and not the other way around?" I asked, eyebrows raised and he glanced down at me with a flirty smile I'd seen him use on girls in the Academy before. From what I'd observed, it always worked on them. Me? I just wanted to kick him in the crotch._

 _"You wanna make **me** pay, don't you? I'm all for it, little girl,"_

 _With that being said, I violently pushed his sword off of mine, only making him laugh. He truly loved rubbing me the wrong way. "You're such an ass, Cato,"_

 _"Aww, come on now," he drawled, twirling his sword with such ease it was almost impressive. **Almost.** "I'm merely trying to make shit interesting,"_

 _"It's always good to **try** , I guess," I smirked back and he just shook his head._

 _"Fight this all you want, Clove," he drawled spreading his arms, grinning like a maniac. "I know you want me,"_

 _"You're gonna make me hurl, can you shut up?" I said with a hint of threat in my voice this time. I normally didn't mind his attitude all too much. But there was only so far he could go with his silly insinuations._

 _"Okay, okay," he agreed, putting his hands up in a gesture of mock surrender. "Geez, you have **no** sense of humor,"_

 _"It died when I met **you** ," I snapped and he just shook his head before quickly bringing his sword down to meet mine. Relieved that he was done with this pseudo flirting, I gladly continued to fight him and was not at all surprised when eventually he knocked my sword out of my hands and sent it flying across the room. I knew I was not the strongest in this department. It still made me furious. _

_"_ _Good job," he praised me and I just glared. I didn't need his words of encouragement after he'd defeated me again._

 _"Save it, Cato," I snorted. "I know you think you're a **God** and all that. But there'll come a day I am going to fight your ass and **win** ,"_

 _"Little girl, I'm **no** God, if anything I'm the **Devil** ," he smirked, making me roll my eyes again. "Seriously, Clove, you've gotten so much better. There are many guys in my year that would have lost to me halfway through. You're **very** good with the sword."_

 _I narrowed my eyes at him, looking for any potential signs of dishonesty but he seemed sincere. I knew Cato enough by this point to be able to detect when he was lying. Still, I couldn't afford to let him think that I had any doubts when it came to my skills. So I stood up straight and raised my eyebrows mockingly.  
_

 _"Now you're just stating the obvious,"  
_

 _He let out a somewhat tired sigh but then nodded with a smile. "I know,"_

His deep voice echoed in my head as I found myself slowly waking up. My eyelids were incredibly heavy and my head was pounding like never before. My throat felt really dry and I winced at the taste in my mouth. _"Ugh,"_ I moaned under my breath when something in my stomach twirled unpleasantly. Carefully, I opened my eyes and realized that there was some blurry figure standing in my doorway. I lifted my head just a tiny bit and blinked a couple of times, trying to get rid of the tears that filled my eyes.

"Morning," Haymitch's incredibly annoying and smug voice greeted me and I found that I really regretted having him as my new mentor. Why _him?_ Why did it have to be the only person in the universe that had no problem with sharing his alcohol? With having so much of it in the first place. "Look, I can tell you don't wanna hear this," he carried on, making me groan. "But we're 30 minutes out,"

I stared at him in confusion before realizing that every little bit of liquor I'd consumed the night before was about to come right up. I scrambled out of the bed and ran into the bathroom before vomiting in the sink.

 _"Well,"_ I heard Haymitch drawl. "I see that we'll get along pretty well," he only half-joked, following it with a humorless chuckle. I looked up and glared at his reflection in the mirror, trying to hold myself up with both hands on the sink. "You gonna be okay?"

I examined my pale-looking self, the redness in my eyes and dark shadows underneath and I felt like laughing up his question. Was I gonna be okay? Certainly not. Haymitch must have realized I had no intention to answer so he just nodded to himself and sighed dramatically as if it was him that was having a hard time.

"Ok well, there's an outfit for you in the closet," he informed me and only then did I notice he held a glass in his hand which was most definitely _not_ full of apple juice. I decided not to comment on that. Feeling another wave of nausea approaching, I gave him a nod to make him leave. As soon as the door was shut, I got sick again. Coughing and shuddering, I washed my mouth and face with cold water and looked at my reflection once more.

Well, I surely didn't look like a Victor... At least I got _that_ part right.

I stayed like that, hovering above the sink for another couple of minutes, washing my face several times in between, before I decided it was safe enough for me to walk away and try to get changed. I opened the closet to find a fairly simple black jumpsuit with some golden elements to it. Just to remind me of the burden that I've been now forced to carry for the rest of my life. I quickly put it on and let out a heavy breath, feeling anything but ready for what was about to happen.

I really had no clue as to what the reaction of people from 2 might be. I certainly knew what all the Academy folks thought of my victory. That was something I did not need to wonder about. I could almost sense their hatred already, especially since a couple of decent Careers had been killed and they potentially could have been candidates for the consecutive Games.

Tying my hair up in a messy ponytail, I slowly began to make my way to where I'd last seen Haymitch. Surely enough, he was there, as casual as always, having breakfast - a toast in one hand and a glass in another. "Why hello again," he said, sending a smile my way, which I ignored. I furrowed my eyebrows and swallowed hard, trying all in my power not to get sick again. I approached the table and sat in the chair opposite to his. "Help yourself," he encouraged me, lifting a plate with some eggs and sausages on it and bringing it closer to my face. I grimaced and pushed it away as far as I could before the smell of it made me puke.

"No, _thanks,"_ I snapped, glaring at him. If he was such a pro in this department, it surely could not have been such rocket science that I was in no way hungry. Haymitch shrugged before putting the plate down. He then glanced at me again and frowned, an amused smile still present on his face. "What?"

"Nothin'." he murmured, taking a bite of his toast. "You should be happy that Effie is not here, she woulda given you _hell,"_

"Who the hell is _Effie?_ " I asked, pouring some water into my glass.

"Well she's your new escort but she had some business to take care of, thus she won't be joining us for now," he explained while chewing and I winced again. "If she was here to see you all messy and hungover like that, she'd have gone all crazy dramatic on you. But you're lucky today cause I couldn't care less."

"I can _see_ that," I responded dryly before drinking some of my water. "So what's the plan? Do I just make a speech about how awesome this whole Victoring thing has been working out for me and then go straight to my new, awesome _victorious_ house?"

Haymitch laughed shamelessly, almost choking on his drink. "Yeah, that'd be nice, huh? Sadly, the reality is much more depressing."

"Tell me about it," I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to continue.

"Here's what's gonna happen," Haymitch said, grabbing himself another piece of toast and putting butter on it. "I have a speech prepped and ready for you. You're gonna have to read it _word for word_ -"

"Forget it," I snorted. "No one is gonna tell me what I should say to people in my district. _No one_ ,"

"President Snow **is** and you're gonna do what he says, Clove," Haymitch snapped at me for the first time since we'd met and I looked at him, startled. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was right. I was sure he didn't know about Cato... But I _did._ And if I wanted to spare him additional torture for my misbehavior, I had to cooperate.

 _"Fine,"_ I said through gritted teeth, squeezing the glass in my hand so hard I thought it'd break any second. Haymitch looked rather surprised that I had given in so quickly. I actually wished that I could just tell him why but I knew better. I needed to think of Cato. _It was all for him._ "What does he want me to say?"

Haymitch stared at me suspiciously but whatever it was he was wondering about, he must have decided to keep it to himself because all he did was reach into his pocket. With a slightly shaking hand, he handed me a card. I read what was on it with anxiety slowly filling me up on the inside; I still wasn't used to all these emotions. This _fear_ I now felt, this constant uncertainty and doubt I'd been carrying with me since the day I realized I was still alive. This concern whether Cato was being tortured _right this second_... I **had to** do as I was told.

But this so-called _speech_ I was reading? The absurdity of it made my blood go cold. Looking up at Haymitch, my glare darkened. "You've _got to_ be kidding me,"

"I wish," he mumbled, for once looking like he actually understood my hopeless situation and was _feeling_ for me. "This is what I'd been told to make sure you'll say when you get up on that stage today. It's not my call, Clove,"

"I _can't_ say that shit," I shook my head, wanting nothing more than to rip that card into tiny pieces. Haymitch watched me for a little while with something I identified as a vague look of empathy. I knew it wasn't his fault. That he was only here to help. But I couldn't help but feel so furious with what they were making me do.

"Listen," he sighed eventually, leaning forward. "I got no clue what the President has on you. But he made it quite clear to me that you were under no circumstances allowed to say _anything_ more or less than what is on that card you're holding. I'm sorry, Clove. _But you've got no choice,"_

I swallowed hard, feeling all the contents of my stomach try to come up once more. I was disgusted. Completely and utterly _appalled._ And what was worse - I knew this was only the beginning of Snow's personal revenge for my actions in the Arena. He was not going to make any part of this easy for me. Not only was I already so torn because of what was happening with Cato, I would now also have to make an absolute idiot of myself in front of everyone in Panem. I clenched my fists so tight my nails broke the skin on the inside of my palms. I was _this_ close to telling Haymitch that there was no way I'd go through with this ridiculous spectacle. But all it took is a voice inside my head whispering his name for me to come back to my senses.

 _Cato._

Haymitch was right. I had no choice. Not unless I didn't care for what they'd do to Cato. And all of Panem already knew...

... that I _did._

 _"Well hello, lil_ _Clove," I heard the aggravating voice of my fellow Career ring in my ears. By this point, I truly didn't understand why any of them still thought that size had anything to do with one's skills at the Academy. I was almost convinced that they had learned their lesson by now. But I figured their ego was just simply too proud to accept hard facts._

 _"You must have a death wish," I responded coldly, glaring at him as he approached me. I hated it when someone (aside from Cato apparently) called me some lame nicknames. With Cato, it was different because he'd managed to earn my respect and I knew he respected me just as much so his name calling was simply some sort of teasing on his part, nothing more. This guy? He only did it to get on my nerves and bring attention to the fact that I was much smaller than everyone else in the Academy.  
_

 _"Don't we all?" he asked, grabbing a machete and grinning like a maniac that he was.  
_

 _"Maybe **you** do," I snapped. "I'm not aiming for death. I aim for **victory** ,"_

 _"Ooh, " he mocked, coming closer to me and making me want to tear him apart as he was. "Wanna show me how you go about that goal?"_

 _"Go bug someone else, Thorn, I'm not interested," I responded, swinging my own machete and trying to carry on with slicing up some dummies in front of me.  
_

 _"I'd love to but you see, it's not **someone else** that's been occupying my station since the butt crack of dawn, now is it?"_

 _I cut the nearest dummy's head off with one forceful hit and sent it rolling towards Thorn who glanced down at it before narrowing his dark eyes at me. I could see he was getting more agitated by the minute and so I smirked. "Who made this station **yours**?"_

 _"It's an unspoken rule," he clarified as if it was obvious. "So, go play somewhere else, kid,"_

 _Normally, I was a very composed person so it was quite hard to send me over the edge and lots of people had tried. But I'd seen time and again Careers losing their shit and either getting kicked out of the Academy or straight up killed in the Arena because of it, so I'd be damned before I let that get in my way. Such behavior was simply not worth it. That was definitely something I was better at than Cato; he was way too hot-headed at times._

 _"Thorn!"_

 _See? Speak of the devil._

 _"The hell are you doing?" Cato demanded, basically getting in the guy's face. "You think this is recess? Go back to training,"_

 _I rolled my eyes at the both of them and proceeded to stab all of the dummies around me with quickness, making them watch me for a hot minute before going back to their argument._

 _"Who are you to tell me what to do, Hawks?"_

 _"You'll be surprised. Markus assigned me to chaperone today's training so you better find yourself something to do and **quick** ," Cato threatened him, effectively catching him off guard. "Don't make me walk you out,"  
_

 _Thorn glared at us both for another short while before turning on his heel and storming off. I lowered my machete and stood up straight, raising my eyebrows at the Blonde. "Markus assigned you to chaperone our training, huh? **Nice one** ,"_

 _Cato grinned with a shrug. "What, is it **my** fault that guy is such an airhead?"_

 _I just let out a tired sigh and continued doing my thing without giving him a second glance as he too walked away._

"Clove, are you ready?"

I shook my head, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that had been filling it, but it was not an easy task. Haymitch was right beside me, giving me a questioning look, so I just nodded, knowing there was no way out. Aside from _death._ And my death would kill Cato.

"Let's do this," I huffed, stepping outside of the train where to my surprise, crowds of people waited with Peacekeepers standing in front of them, blocking their path. I stared at the scene before me with wide eyes as dozens of yells cut through the silence. I could try and naively believe that they were there to greet me and congratulate me on my winning the Games; but something about the sinister looks on their faces told me that was not the case.

I felt Haymitch grab my arm tightly as he went and tagged me along, the Peacekeepers forcing the crowd to split so we could go through. The yells continued and as I passed all those people by, I managed to catch a few words thrown my way here and there, and they were anything but flattering;

 _"Traitor!"_

 _"Get out of our district!"_

 _"Go to 12 where you belong, you imposter!"_

I looked around frantically as I suddenly realized the crowd began closing in on us and instantly I felt hands roughly grabbing and pushing me. Haymitch tried his best to keep me away but he was having the exact same problem and in his constantly intoxicated state, I was amazed he was able to keep his balance and still try and guard me. The Peacekeepers, as I realized, were purposefully doing a lousy job and were only pushing the furious horde back enough to ensure they weren't going to rip me to bloody pieces.

"Let us through!" Haymitch roared, his face frozen in pure rage as he finally was able to push me towards the car that had been sitting a few feet away, waiting for us. I got inside, breathing heavily and he followed me. Some objects hit the windows of the car as soon as we got it.

"What the _fuck_ is their problem?!" I gasped, staring as some men banged on the car, cussing at us some more.

"I don't know, Clove, it's **your** district," Haymitch said, locking the door for safety. _"you tell me."_

I stared at him, completely shocked as we took off, distancing ourselves from the angry mob. I'd always known the nature of my district. After all, I used to worship our laws and rules. I used to want to be someone my district would cherish and tell stories about to those that are supposed to come after me. Every time I reminded myself of how I had been raised and what I used to believe in, it still came as a shock in a way. I still was not completely certain as to who I really was today.

"You okay?" Haymitch asked and I just stared at the window blankly, wondering how the hell I was supposed to deal with all this mess. How was I expected to function with everyone in the district wanting my head? Was this phase 1 of President Snow's revenge? "Clove, I need you to cooperate with me here," I heard Haymitch's voice again coming from far away. "I will help you but you have to answer my questions,"

Answer his questions? _How_ if I didn't know the answers myself? All I knew was that I really wished Cato had won the Games. I wished I could swap places with him. He _must_ have been better off. All this pressure I felt was going to drive me plain insane. I'd take _torture_ over this any day.

 _Clove._

I shook my head because if I were to survive, I needed to focus. I had to get rid of his voice echoing in my head constantly.

 _Clove, are you hurt? Are you alright?  
_

I _was_ hurt. I was hurt all over. I squeezed my eyes shut, actually praying that his voice leaves me alone. I needed to be left alone.

"Clove, are you alright?"

I glanced at Haymitch and was faced with concern and worry in his eyes shooting at me. "I'm fine," I responded finally and he didn't buy it. Of course he didn't. I wouldn't have either. "What is going to happen now?"

"I think it's safe to assume we're going to skip any more _greeting_ parades today," he snorted, brushing his long, greasy hair back with his shaky fingers. "We're going straight to the Victors' Village."

"Oh _happy day_ ," I murmured, receiving a half-amused, half-empathetic smirk in return. "What about my _speech_?"

"There's an official happening later on today," he confirmed to my horror. "I'll escort you there," he added as if he thought I'd appreciate it. I could lie to myself all I wanted but I did find myself appreciating his company, after all. "you're gonna be fine, you'll see. Just read that damn card and get off the stage."

I nodded and that was about everything I was able to do. I didn't have the energy for anything but that. I guess I needed to make myself aware of the fact that it didn't matter what all those people were going to think of me after the speech. I already knew how they felt. What difference did it make now? None. But it did make one hell of a difference to Cato and how much suffering he'll have to endure. If I thought of all this that way, somehow all of a sudden it all seemed very effortless.

The car began approaching the gate of the Victors' Village and immediately, I felt nauseous. I didn't want to be so close to other Victors; this was going to be a nightmare. We came to a stop and I dreaded getting out of the car. When I finally did, Haymitch nodded at me to go ahead and enter my new residence. I walked up to the front door of the huge, cream-colored mansion, before looking over my shoulder. As I had expected, I saw some familiar faces lurking down at me from behind their windows. "Ignore them," Haymitch said before opening the door for me. I swallowed hard and walked inside with a heavy stomach. "We have a couple of hours left so you can still take a nap if you want. Your prep team will be here soon."

I nodded again and decided a nap sounded like a good enough solution for now. "I'll be upstairs," I choked out. "Make yourself at home, I guess," I added before leaving him alone in the hallway, staring after me with tired eyes. I walked up the stairs and down the corridor, looking around. All the doors were closed so I stopped when I was halfway to the end and chose to open one to my left. I realized it was a bathroom, a very spacious one. There was a huge bathtub and a nice sink with a big mirror above it. I came inside, quickly changing my mind about the nap. I walked closer to the bathtub and let the water flow. My clothes fell to a heap at the bottom of my feet and I quickly got inside the bathtub, hissing at how hot the water was. I lied down and waited for it to almost completely fill the tub before turning it off. I grabbed a white bottle standing by the tap and poured the liquid inside into the water, helping it spread with my hands, creating millions of bubbles. It smelled wonderful. Like some sort of flowers. But I didn't know much about such things. We barely had any flowers and plants in 2.

I sighed contently and lied back again, closing my eyes, hoping for at least a few moments of peace. Before all hell breaks loose. Before I'll be forced to be reminded of the brutal reality awaiting me around the corner...

 _I watched Thresh dividing up some food so we could have a bit of a meal before having to move forward in the morning. I leaned against the cave wall and let out a heavy breath, feeling every inch of my body practically scream in pain. Thresh looked up suddenly and our eyes connected. I knew he'd noticed I'd been in pain ever since that explosion. I'd hit the ground quite hard. So had he._

 _"You okay there?" he asked me softly and I sucked in a breath and nodded, hoping he would let it go, but I knew Thresh well enough to know better. He dropped what he was doing and came closer. "Where does it hurt?" he asked, squatting in front of me and I just shook my head, suggesting I was gonna be just fine. He sent me a stern look. "Tell me,"_

 _Feeling quite pathetic, I swallowed hard and choked back some tears before replying, "My stomach,"_

 _Thresh's face grew more concerned, if that was possible, and he just watched me for a little while before apparently making his mind about something. "Do you want me to take a look?"_

 _"No," I denied instantly. I knew there was nothing. No open wound. I was afraid a rib or two had cracked. But as messed up as things turned out, I was still a Career. I knew very well how to handle pain. "I'll live,"_

 _Thresh nodded before sitting down beside me anyway, observing every twitch of my face. "Do you have any family?" he asked and I almost forgot to breathe for a second._

 _"No," I whispered. "You?"_

 _"My grandma and sister," he responded with a sad smile. "She's younger than me. Your age, I think. Kayla. I hope she never ends up in here. My grandma would not take that loss." he said, glancing away, a troubled look on his gloomy face. "I miss them,"_

 _I stared at him, eyebrows furrowed, wondering why he'd decided to be so talkative all of a sudden. And just like that, as soon as that question crossed my mind, I realized what he was doing._ _He was trying to distract me from the pain. Thresh was not one to share family stories. He was doing it to help me feel better. I was sure that was the reason. I didn't know how I knew it but I did. And so without much thought, I said: "I bet they miss you too,"_

 _He focused his eyes on me once more and watched me carefully for a short moment before breaking into a half-smile. "Thanks," he growled and I tried smiling back but there was nothing good or happy about his confession. About any of this. I found myself hoping that he gets to win the Games. That he gets to see his family again. I had no use for the crown anymore. Cato was gone. I had no one. Thresh was a good, strong man with people awaiting his return. He should win-_

 _"Clove," he whispered and I sent him a questioning look. "Clove," he said again and to my absolute horror, I saw blood making it out of his mouth as deep claw marks appeared on his neck. My eyes widened in shock and suddenly I found myself unable to breathe. I couldn't breathe. "Clove!"_

 _I watched blood pour down his body and grabbed a hold of my throat as I began to choke more and more. Unable to take a breath. He kept just staring at me blankly, bleeding profusely and I felt tears marking my cheeks. "Clove, **wake up** ,"_

I opened my eyes and instantly realized that something was not right. I was looking up at the ceiling which was blurry and slightly moving. I panicked as water made it into my mouth and I felt agonizing pain in my chest. I threw myself up into a sitting position from where I'd been lying underwater. I took a gasping breath, choking and coughing, tasting soap in my mouth, which immediately made me want to vomit once again.

 _"CLOVE!"_

My name echoed from behind the door and it was not long before I realized it was Haymitch's voice that I had heard earlier in my dream, which for the most part was actually a lost memory. Haymitch called my name again but I didn't get the chance to respond. He stormed inside before I could catch my breath and I could not have been more grateful for all the bubbles covering every inch of me. I silently thanked myself for using so much of the bath soap earlier.

"For crap's sake, _what the **hell** are you doing?!"_

I rubbed my eyes to try and get them to stop burning and brushed my wet hair back, still breathing heavily. _"Nothing,"_ I gasped. "Taking a bath,"

Haymitch glared at me for another minute from the doorway before growing a bit uncomfortable, having obviously realized I was naked in the bathtub. "Your prep team is here... " he whispered, eyes still narrowed suspiciously. "Are you... about done?"

I swallowed hard and coughed one more time before nodding my head. "Yeah, I'll be right there,"

He looked away for a moment before sending another kind of abashed glance my way. And then he was gone. I stared at the door for a long while before hugging my arms to my chest and bringing my knees up, a few more coughs making it out of my mouth. A chill ran down my spine and that was when I realized that the water was now freezing cold. I must have been in here for hours. I clawed at my goosebump covered arms as my mind raced back to my dream.

 _Thresh._ Thresh was gone. He was actually _dead._ The Victory Tour was around the corner and I knew what that meant. I'd have to stand in front of people from his district and face the endless sorrow on his grandmother and sister's faces, knowing their Thresh had died because he was trying to save _me._ He'd died **for** me. For someone who would have not hesitated to kill him in cold blood had the Games never changed.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to somehow shut all of those painful thoughts out. But how could I? How could I when I found myself _missing_ him so much?

 _"Clove, honey, we need you downstairs in 10, it's getting late!"_ a high-pitched voice scolded me and I groaned under my breath. That was probably Effie. My new escort.

I didn't respond. Taking my sweet time, I got rid of the cold water and used the shower to rinse myself off and finished washing my hair. Before long, I was putting the jumpsuit back on and leaving the bathroom to meet my insufferable new team.

"Ah, there she is!" I heard someone exclaim as soon as I made it halfway down the stairs. Three people were down there waiting for me, with Haymitch leaning casually against the wall, watching me still quite suspiciously. I didn't need any more clues to understand what he'd made of my long bath time. I was pretty sure he thought I'd attempted a lousy death-in-a-bathtub style suicide.

 _God, if only things were so easy..._

"Clove, my dear!" The super enthusiastic, skinny lady called out, spreading her arms when I made it to the bottom of the stairs. Her hair was golden and shimmering, as was her entire outfit and make-up. "So nice to officially meet you!" she exclaimed, the high pitch of her voice making me wince. "Dear Lord, _what_ have you done with your hair, young lady?!"

I frowned and risked a glance at Haymitch who by then had a quite amused, 'I told you so' look on his face. "We've got to take care of this and _quick!_ Flavius, Octavia!" she frantically called to the pair of gawking stylists. "We only have a few hours left. Gotta make her look all festive and beautiful!"

"She already **is** beautiful," a deep voice rang out from the doorway and I turned around and saw another man come in. If he was from the Capitol as well, and he had to be, he surely didn't look like it. His outfit was twenty times more modest than the other three's and he barely wore any make-up. "Hi, Clove. My name is Cinna. I was Katniss' stylist," he added, a ghost of sorrow crossing his face at the mention of her name.

"The Fire Girl costume," I nodded, recognizing his undoubtedly huge talent and abilities to impress the audience. "You know, there was a time I wanted your blood," words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. I did not lie, though, I really had wanted his head for making Katniss stand out more than the Careers. Effie gasped loudly and murmured something about manners but Cinna just smiled.

"That means I did my job real well," he responded kindly and I couldn't help but return his smile.

 _"You sure did,"_

The next few hours were a blur for me. I barely noticed all those people changing my clothes, doing my hair and make-up. The next thing I knew I was ready and looking at my reflection that I barely recognized. I sure looked fearless. I sure looked like I was _supposed_ to feel. Powerful. Confident. Victorious. I had, of course, a golden outfit on - tight, shimmering pants, high boots and a black corset with some golden elements to it, too. My hair had been put into a mid-low messy and thick ponytail and I had a dramatic, smokey make-up on that made my eyes really stand out and was meant to evoke pure fear.

"Ah! You look _wonderful!"_ Effie exclaimed as soon as she walked inside, admiring me from every angle which made me glare at her intensely. "They will **love** you!"

I snorted and murmured under my breath as she left, _"Wanna bet?"_

As Cinna was adjusting my corset, our eyes connected and I could just sense that he knew exactly where I was coming from. He understood. He was different than the others, that much I was sure of. Now that I thought about it, no longer was I surprised that Katniss had managed to win the crowd. Cinna was an artist and he knew exactly how to impress people. Maybe with him by my side, I actually had a chance. Maybe somehow I might be able to overcome Snow's vendetta against me and protect Cato from all the consequences.

"Is it too tight?" I heard Cinna's voice coming from a distance and I shook my head to try and get rid of all those stressful thoughts.

"It's fine," I replied dismissingly and he looked at me with understanding and empathy.

"We're all done here," he said, stepping away from me to make sure everything looked as intended. "You ready?"

I didn't have it in me to lie to him. There was no point, anyway. "No," I admitted. But I still stepped off the stool, my head up high and my eyes expressing everything that his weren't. _"Let's go,"_

Our ride to the Justice Building took forever. It felt like an eternity had passed before we came to stop and I was asked to exit the vehicle. Haymitch came to my side and encouraged me with a nod of his head to come inside. We had pulled in the back of the building and so I knew that everyone had already gathered in the square on the other side. I felt my entire body tense up and a huge lump growing in the back of my throat, making me wonder whether I'd even be able to choke a word out. A few Peacekeepers awaited our arrival and as soon as we stepped inside, they told us to follow them to the front.

I stopped in front of the huge door and prayed that I get this over with as soon as possible. I tried to stop the trembling of my hands by curling them up into tight fists and I just breathed. In and out. In and out-

 _Think of Cato. Think of Cato. Think of Cato..._

"Here," Haymitch said as he stopped beside me, holding the card in his hand.

"I don't need it," I said, focusing on the door in front of me instead.

 _"Clove,"_ he said in a warning tone and I glanced at him.

"I mean that I _really_ don't need it," I told him more sternly this time and he sent me a questioning look. I sighed and licked my lips. "I have a photographic memory,"

That's when the door was opened and without another glance his way, I marched outside. I was welcomed by the setting sun which blinded me for a short moment before I was able to see hundreds of faces looking up at me from the square with tons of different emotions written all over them. I walked proudly and confidently to the microphone and barely heard anything that had been said when I was on my way there. My ears were ringing and my eyes watered involuntarily but I knew there was no choice. There was no way out.

I expected for the people to start yelling at me again, cussing and insulting. But to my surprise, everyone just stood there, glaring at me. In a complete silence. I noticed Peacekeepers surrounding the crowd, guns at the ready and I quickly realized that Snow really wanted for every word of mine to reach all of Panem's ears. And he could not afford for anyone to interrupt.

 _Hey Clove, I need you to promise me something._

"Good evening, District 2," I began, ignoring Thresh's voice in my head and realizing that my own did not sound like it was actually mine. I was someone else. For the time being, I was no longer that girl who had lived through the Games and was still grieving the loss of her allies. I was not the girl who missed Thresh. I was not the girl who cared for Cato so much. I was someone they wanted me to be. Someone _Snow_ wanted me to be.

 _Whatever happens... don't let them define who you are..._ **_Not a_ _gain._**

"I stand before you today, not as a proud Victor of the 74th Hunger Games. Not as someone I had set out to be since I can remember. Not as someone I **should** have been in the Arena. But as someone who did **not** deserve to win. As somone who _failed_ you. Having understood the severity of my mistakes, I wanted to express my deepest regrets for how enormously I embarrassed our great District and all those who had supported me and contributed to all of the skills I proudly possess today. I apologize to all my mentors and trainers. I apologize to all of you. And most importantly, I apologize to the Capitol and our President for my shameful actions," I paused for just a second, swallowed hard and got rid of every and any thought of my fallen allies before I continued. "By choosing to ally and what's even worse, _protect_ other tributes from 11 and 12, I horribly _besmirched_ our good name and the character of Careers from District 2 and I could not be any more regretful and ashamed. I solemnly swear that from this point on, I will do everything in my power to make up for all the damage I had caused and to bring back the pride that you deserve to feel and that I should have come back home with. I promise to try my hardest to earn back your respect and make myself deserving of the crown I've won purely by luck. I _owe_ you all of that,"

The dead silence was almost painful. I felt all eyes on me, my heart beating so fast in my chest I was almost sure I was about to drop dead. In a way, I wished I had.

 _I'm **sorry,** Thresh._

"Thank you,"

Before anyone could even move, I turned on my heel and walked back inside the building, meeting the faces of my prep team, Effie, and Haymitch that stood there, shocked and confused. I said nothing. I walked right by them, completely indifferent with only one thought stuck in my head as I left;

 _I hope you choke, President Snow. I hope that you **choke.**_

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you very much everyone for reading and reviewing. I hope more people will become interested in this sequel; I am very excited for it and have many ideas for where I am going to take it. Hope all of you are having a great weekend!


	3. Unstoppable

**Chapter 3: "Unstoppable"**

 _"Does it hurt?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Where does it hurt?"  
"... **Everywhere**..."_

 _~ Grey's Anatomy_

* * *

After my return to district 2 and the speech I'd been forced to make, I really wasn't sure what the President had up his sleeve next. Was he going to make me work in the Capitol? Or at the Academy where I was convinced everyone despised me and would love to see me dead. Either way, I was pretty much doomed. I had no idea how to handle this situation. To obey Snow's orders and try to save Cato at the same time. He was never going to let him go, I knew that much. I was certain that if I ever wanted to set him free, I'd have to do it by force. But how? And even if I actually succeeded, what would we do next? Live our lives on the run? They'd find us. _Everywhere.  
_

As my head began screaming in pain with all those different, hopeless scenarios clouding inside, I realized there was probably only one solution:

 _Murder._

I'd have to kill President Snow. But the problem was, even _that_ would not be enough. We'd still end up being hunted by those that guard him. By his followers. Possibly by the next President. All of my plans seemed to end with Cato and I dying anyway. What was the point? If I was still _anything_ like the old me, I wouldn't care. Not that much, anyway. But I wasn't that person anymore. Somehow, I found myself living only to see him again. He was what had been keeping me alive. I needed to save him. I needed to get him out of there. Not knowing what was happening to him was driving me crazy.

I spent my days just moping around the house, not stepping a foot outside because I knew that it was my safest bet for the time being. I was too afraid I'd be killed if I let myself go anywhere. Everyone here hated me. And I'd be insane to neglect the craziness of people from district 2.

I felt all of my insides twirl and twist unpleasantly and I jumped from my bed and ran to the bathroom. I barely made it to the sink before getting sick for the third time that day, even though I'd not really been eating that well. I didn't have any appetite. I couldn't sleep. My days were all blended together. I'd pass out for a hot minute before waking up again, having once again lived through the horrors of the Games in my sleep. I was a wreck. A zombie. Barely clinging to life.

 _Knock. Knock. Knock._

I shuddered as the unexpected sounds startled me. Squeezing the edge of the sink until my knuckles turned white, I looked at myself in the mirror and almost screamed. I didn't remember ever looking _this_ bad. I barely recognized myself. The knocking repeated and I felt fear squeeze my throat as if there was an invisible hand on it, choking me slightly. I swallowed hard and walked outside my bedroom and took several shaky steps down the hallway.

 _Knock. Knock. Knock.  
_

The knocking continued, louder now. My chest began moving faster, as I made it to the edge of the stairs. Wondering who was outside, possibly hoping to kill me, I froze. I knew I was getting a bit paranoid. I had no idea how long it had been since I last spoke with another soul. I'd locked myself in this house, avoiding the outside world and I wasn't getting out until someone comes and takes me themselves.

 _KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.  
_

My heart pounded so loudly I could hear its frightened movements in my ears as my blood pulsated along with its rhythm. Maybe I should ignore it. Maybe they'll go away-

 _"Clove?"  
_

I grabbed onto the handrail, trying to calm my breathing.

 _"Clove, are you there?!"_

Haymitch. _Bloody Haymitch._

I gave myself another thirty seconds to get back to a fairly normal state before walking down the stairs. By the time I opened the front door, Haymitch was already on his way to the gate. _"Hey!"_

He turned around, hair flying everywhere because of the heavy wind. I hugged my arms to my chest and watched the expression on his face change from casual to very amused. "Well _hello,"_ he drawled, walking back toward my house. "Thought you'd died,"

I'd already managed to get used to his odd self and those messed up jokes of his. But he was so annoying I started to question why I'd even decided to answer the door. "What the hell do you want?" I asked rudely and he rose his eyebrows and stopped a few feet away from me.

"One would hope for a nicer greeting, being that it was _me_ that protected you with my own body from a crowd of blood-thirsty maniacs only four weeks back,"

I froze again and sucked in a breath, for a moment forgetting that someone was even here. I snapped back to reality before Haymitch had the chance to say anything else. "Wait," I whispered. "That was a _month_ ago?"

Haymitch smirked again and nodded slowly. "Yes, deadbeat. You haven't marked your calendar, have you? It's our _monthiversary_ today, hence why I'm here,"

I recovered from the shock of it all before he was done talking. "I really don't like you," I hissed but he just shook his head and pushed past me and inside without an invitation.

"I get that a lot," he said, running a hand through his dirty hair. "how have you been?"

I rose my eyebrows coldly and he laughed. "What is so darn funny, Haymitch? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because you and I are going on a little trip," he informed me. _"pack your suitcase,"_

"I'm not going anywhere," I dismissed him, already walking away toward the stairs where I'd come from.

"You _do_ realize that wasn't my call, right?"

I stopped immediately because he didn't have to say anything else. _Snow._ The time has come for me to stick my nose outside and risk getting slaughtered. But I had no choice. It was all for Cato's sake. I knew it was. Whatever the President wanted me to do, I would do.

"I'll be right back," I told him without another glance his way and ran up the stairs. Still a bit shocked that I'd been hiding in here for a month, I decided to make myself look as presentable as possible. A bath and a quick make-over later, I was already in a car, going God knows where. It seemed as though Haymitch did not really know any details either, he wasn't one to hold back. I could see he was simply on duty, probably hating the fact he had to be here almost as much as I did.

"So," I breathed, just to kill the awkward silence that filled the space between us. "What's the word from the Capitol? Has anyone been wondering where I'd been or did they forget yet that I even existed?"

 _"Well,"_ Haymitch drawled sarcastically, playing along. "I'm sure you know it's the latter. For now anyway. But that's a talk we'll have later,"

Somehow the tone of his voice changed from slightly entertained to serious in the blink of an eye. I frowned but he simply turned away, very subtly letting me know that he was done talking to me. So he did know _something._ I squeezed my hands into tight fists and tried to stay calm. _What did Snow want me to do?_

 _"We're here,"_

I shook my head when I heard the driver announce we'd arrived. One glance at the window and I already knew we were at the Justice Building. Of course. Where else was I supposed to meet the President himself? Feeling my heartbeat quicken again, I swallowed hard, wishing that all of them could just leave me alone. Just let me crawl back to where I came from. To that empty Goddamned house of mine.

"Come on," Haymitch encouraged me softly as a Peacekeeper opened the door for me. I let out a heavy breath and got out of the car. They led me to one of the conference rooms and had me wait in front of the huge door. I glanced at Haymitch, rather shyly and he must have realized that I was nervous because he sent me a sad smile. It wasn't much. But since I was basically all alone and no one else knew (or cared) what I was going through, it meant a lot to me. Maybe Haymitch was not such an awful person after all...

"You may go in now," the Peacekeeper behind me announced and I threw a glare over my shoulder before settling my slightly shaky hand on the door handle. Taking a deep breath in, I pushed it and entered the room, facing no one else but President Snow, sitting comfortably in a giant armchair behind a desk. I flashbacked to our last conversation back in the Capitol and instantly felt disgusted.

"Miss Raven, as I live and breathe," Snow growled with a repulsive smirk on his old, sneaky face. "I was beginning to worry about you,"

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes at the obvious sarcasm in his voice and just closed the door behind me before taking a few steps forward. I stared down at him coldly, deciding that I would not open my mouth until it was absolutely necessary. The thought of this man keeping my only friend hostage made me want to claw his eyes out with my bare hands. "You look rather unhappy with being a Victor and that is a first when it comes to a Career,"

 _I'm **not** a Career._ I wanted to say. But I pressed my lips together stubbornly and just waited to hear whatever torture he'd come up with next.

"I value your time, Clove, so how about I just tell you what I have come here for," he smirked even wider. "First of all, I would like to inform you that Cato is doing just fine,"

My fingernails punctured the skin on my palms as I realized I'd been tightening my fists from the moment I entered the room. I ignored the burning sensation in my hands and just nodded, knowing very well there was no point in asking for any more details. He would only say what he wanted. After all, surely he came here for a specific reason. I had no doubt about that. "He asked me to let you know that he is well and hopes for a chance to see you soon,"

I choked back some upcoming tears and let out a shaky sigh, glancing down at the floor. I could not watch this satisfied smile on his face any longer. I didn't want to believe him. I knew Cato would have never asked him to do anything.

"And I, Miss Raven, also do hope that you will get to see each other soon. I _really_ do," Snow drawled in a voice that I guessed he meant to come off as fatherly. Which made me want to kill him that much more. "But that is up to _you,"_

I looked up, focusing on the movements of my chest as I slowly breathed in and out. _Stay calm. Do **not** lose your nerve, Clove._

"What do I have to do?" I hissed, sending him a dark glare. But he just smiled.

"My dear Clove," he murmured, shaking his head. "The speech you gave was very convincing, I will admit that. Unfortunately, there are still people who seem to believe that your stunts in the Arena have started some sort of an uprising. Or at least, gave others an opportunity to riot." he said and I furrowed my eyebrows. Was that actually the truth? Have the districts been rioting in the name of what had gone down in the Games? "Hiding away from the rest of the world for a whole month was sadly not enough to put out all this rebellious fire," Snow carried on, his tone much less "friendly" by that point. "So now, it is your job to make sure that their voices are cut short before they get any louder, do we understand each other?"

I stayed still for a moment. What was I supposed to do? Did he really believe I had the power to make someone follow me? Or to convince people to stop looking up to someone who wasn't even sure who she was anymore?

"What do I do?" I decided to ask because I had no clue. Things in the districts must have really gone bad, otherwise, he would have waited with his plan for the Victory Tour during which I knew I'd have to make twelve more speeches, each full of lies.

"First, you need to make it clear to _everyone_ whose side you are one, Miss Raven," Snow said in a threatening tone and I sucked in a breath once more, knowing what that meant. "Come out of the shadows and declare yourself a true Victor from District 2. Spread the word on how there is _nothing_ more important than bringing pride to your people,"

"I'm afraid that won't work," I disagreed, narrowing my eyes at him viciously. "Everyone here hates me. They won't be that easily convinced,"

"That is _your_ doing, Miss Raven," Snow shook his head, an evil smirk plastered on his face. "And it is not _them_ that you will need to convince,"

 _MY doing?!_

I took a few deep breaths. feeling rage burn my insides like hot water. What was I supposed to do? Stroll down the streets in 2 and hand out brochures? I was not one with the ability to affect and influence other people. That was Cato. I was the silent weirdo that preferred to stay low; wait for my prey to come close enough, get them when they least expect it. I was no shark. _Cato_ was the shark.

"You want me alone to prevent another uprising?" I asked, quite rhetorically, but genuinely curious to hear his answer. Snow didn't look like he really cared for my reaction. He actually didn't look like he cared for what I was going to say or do next. Which made me feel like he was only doing all this for his own sick amusement. He had to know that he was asking for impossible. _But-_

"Precisely," is all he said with a nod, his thin lips spread across his old face in an ugly smile.

"Then you should have had _Cato_ win the Games," I hissed at him, fists still clenched tight. The President leaned in slightly, staring at me with those piercing ice blue eyes.

"I had thought about it, indeed, Miss Raven," he said, folding his fingers together on top of the desk. "I personally would have preferred for Cato to be the Victor. Especially since his affection for yourself was much more obvious from the very start. It was quite clear that he would kill whomever in order to keep you safe,"

My lips trembled just slightly and I felt unstoppable tears tickling the back of my eyes, fighting to get out. "But _unfortunately,_ his injuries were more severe than yours. We had no way of knowing if he would survive. And time was running out so we had to go with what we had at the time," he smirked cruelly and I glanced away from him so that I wouldn't do something stupid. Something that would kill Cato.

 _Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay-_

"You, on the other hand," he continued mercilessly and I squeezed my eyes shut. "I was not so sure about. I was not certain if you would be willing to fight for his life the way he had fought for _yours_ in the Arena. But _now_ I see," he paused dramatically, making me look at him reluctantly again. "that I do not have to worry about you not obeying my orders. I know for sure that you will not do anything that would make him pay the ultimate price for your disloyalty,"

He was right. He owned me. I couldn't even deny any of that and not just because it was all true; but because if I did, Cato would suffer. He'd be tortured any and every time I did or said something wrong. Snow came here personally to make sure I understood just how serious he was about those threats.

"Miss Raven, you were Careers, so I hope you understand how _disappointing_ this entire outcome truly is," Snow said, getting on his feet and turning his back on me. As he looked out the window, his hands folded at the small of his back, he continued in a tone so freezing it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up: "If you do anything to upset me further," he paused again for the effect. _"I will have him **killed**."_

"No, you _won't_ ," I choked out, confident enough to stop my voice from trembling as I spoke. "Because you _know_ that if he dies, I will have **nothing** to lose. And it _scares_ you," I hissed hatefully. I watched his shoulders tense slightly and it only added to my confidence. "I know you have the power to make him hurt tremendously and I know that you can _not_ be stopped. But I _also_ know that you **can't** kill him. I don't have anyone else in the world. There is _no one_ else I care for. So if you kill him, _I_ will become the unstoppable one,"

"You can _not_ kill him," I repeated again to make sure he'd heard me. "And what's worse for you, you can't kill _me_ either. Because then people will riot in the name of the Capitol's _martyr._ Clove Raven; the Career who was born again in the Arena. The girl who fought alongside other districts and wanted to bring _justice._ The girl who was then _murdered_ by the Capitol before she got to do any more good. People will come for you, Mr. President," I said, standing up tall, tears blurring my vision. _"And they will tear you to bloody pieces,"_

Snow's back was facing me for another long, tense while before he turned around, not a trace of that smirk he'd greeted me with earlier. His voice was venom, "I am sure that your dear friend will _thank_ you for all those hours of torture you have just signed him up for,"

I did not flinch. I did not blink. I did not shed a tear. Because I had not expected anything else. I knew what my words were going to cause. I was aware of it all along. But it had to be said. The sooner the better. And I had to say it because it'd end up protecting him for the long run. Snow _had to_ know that I was smarter than he'd given me credit for. _God,_ I could only hope I'd convinced him that killing me or Cato was going to hurt him, not help.

"Cato's _strong._ He had been forced to endure pain you've never even dreamed of, time and again, _all_ his life. _You_ made him this strong. He can take it. He'll understand," I said sternly, trying to make myself sound tough and unbreakable. "But you look me in the eye when I say that you are going to pay for this," I hissed, narrowing my glaring eyes. "You've already made him hurt more than anyone on the planet ever deserves to be hurt. If it's the _last_ thing I'll do in my life... _I **will** make you pay,"_

I was pushing it... I knew it. But I also knew that Snow was anything but hasty and hot-headed. He wouldn't let his utter frustration with me cause him to make a bad decision. I'd pay for it, one way or another, eventually. _And so would Cato..._ But for now, I needed Snow to understand that I was not the only one under pressure here.

 _"You may leave now, Miss Raven,"_

He didn't have to tell me twice. Within seconds I was running down the stairs and out of the Justice Building where the car was still waiting for me with Haymitch inside. I wanted to be as far away from Snow as humanly possible. I just wanted to go back to the semi-peaceful house of mine so I could come up with some sort of a plan to help Cato survive this utter horror.

 _My bleeding thigh began to bother me more and more but I refused to stop again. Cato had let us know previously that we were close to wherever he was taking us and the air between our four remained tense ever since we'd met in that cabin. I glanced over my shoulder at Thresh, just to check his current mood. I saw him watch Cato carefully, his eyes narrowed, at the ready to defend himself if a threatening situation resolved suddenly. As soon as I turned my head, his eyes met mine and he sent me a soft smile. Weirdly enough, I felt a weird sensation in the pit of my stomach as he did that. I wasn't quite sure what that was, but it made me frown._

 _"You alright, Clove?" he asked immediately, making Katniss glance up from the ground as she too stared at me, awaiting my response._

 _"Yeah," I whispered, my face relaxing. He continued to have that soft smile on his face and I couldn't help but return it before facing the path once more. I sensed Cato's gaze on me and I looked up and locked eyes with him now. He watched me for a short second before glancing to Thresh and back into my eyes. I found myself furrowing my eyebrows again, but he said nothing and turned back around. What was that about?_

 _Another two to three minutes had passed and Cato slowed down so that I was now catching up with him. He wasn't looking at me, though, his face wearing a stern expression. "Why did you do that?"_

 _"Huh?" I asked, sending him a questioning look, but it seemed as though he was trying to avoid my eyes at all costs. "Did what?"_

 _"Come between me and Thresh?" he asked, all tense and stone-faced.  
_

 _I almost stopped walking. Why the question? Was it not obvious? We came from the same district. He was the only person I'd been interacting with for years now. Why would I not? Did he really think I was this soulless?... Well, he might have. "What do you mean why?" I questioned._

 _"Seems to me like he's not indifferent to you, so I just wonder why you bothered. We're not even on the same team, technically," he said coldly, almost as if he didn't care about that fact. But I knew better. I thought I did anyway. "So why not let him kill me?"  
_

 _I blinked fast and looked away from him, staring at my moving feet instead; the wet, bloody stain on my thigh getting bigger now. What was I supposed to say to that? How was I supposed to give him an answer if I myself was not sure why I had done that? All I had left to do was simply say the truth._

 _"I don't know why," I admitted and his face seemed to have only grown colder. I watched him curiously but he never looked at me. I glanced back at Thresh and Katniss again before deciding to drop the subject altogether._

 _Cato sped up again and left me trailing behind, causing another weird sensation to build in the pit of my stomach. But that was not the same one I'd felt before when Thresh sent me that smile. This one made me nauseous. And it didn't go away until we made it to the hidden bunker. I placed my hand on my stomach, feeling very uneasy.  
_

 _I found myself suddenly missing the old me. That blissful feeling of indifference I felt towards others. This was so much harder, so very difficult to deal with._

 ** _I don't know why._**

 _My own words echoed in my head. I didn't. I **didn't** know why. _

_Not yet._

I got into the car and fell back in the seat with a heavy breath, feeling my heart pound viciously in my chest. Haymitch looked up from whatever book he was reading and rose his eyebrows at me. "What happened?"

I just stared at him with slightly glistening eyes for a minute or so before looking away and out the window, just as the car took off.

"Clove, what-"

"Can I ask you a question?"

I needed to know one thing. One thing that I was really curious about because it didn't make sense at all. Especially after the conversation I'd just got through with Snow. "Sure," Haymitch drawled, a bit of concern in his voice. I took another short while to collect my thoughts before looking him in the eyes, hoping to detect any signs of dishonesty on his face should any appear in regards to my question.

"The Mutts. When Cato and I fell out from that tree, why did they not kill us?"

Haymitch looked fairly taken aback by my sudden urge to investigate that; his eyes narrowed but he never looked away. I waited patiently until he decided to go ahead and give me the answer I so badly desired. "Capitol loves drama. They crave love on-screen almost as much as they crave _death,"_ he began explaining and I nervously began to play with my fingers. "Clove, do you remember what Cato said right before you took that fall?"

I snorted. How could he think I didn't remember? Of _course_ I did. Haymitch didn't wait for me to respond as my reaction to that question was enough.

"Well, _that's_ why," he said under his breath, so quietly he made it seem as though he was afraid to say it out loud. _"Sponsors,_ Clove. Everyone wanted to see more of your love story. Cato almost died trying to save you, then he came back and saved you again from that mutt and was one more time putting his own life on the line when he refused to let go of your hand. People in the Capitol were going _crazy_ for a continuation. They did not want for the two of you to die just yet. They wanted _more._ When Cato confessed his love to you, he saved you both. I believe that's what made the Game makers tell the mutts to back off,"

I sat there, confused and shaken up. _Those bastards._ I wanted to set the Capitol on fire. Watch them all burn and _laugh_ as they do.

"They pulled the mutts back... because Cato said that he loved me?"

"I'm sorry, Clove," Haymitch whispered, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "You know how they are... This stuff _sells,"_

So this was it. Another knife in the back. Cato saved me even more times than I'd originally thought. We would have died much earlier had it not been for his confession. That was partly why he was now held captive at the Capitol and I had to play Snow's sick game. _We could have been free..._

"Did you ever love someone?" I decided to ask, hoping to distract myself from all those could-have-been's clouding my head. Haymitch's eyes softened a little and for a minute, he just looked really tired and drained with everything. I couldn't help but sense a bit of a connection between us; I too felt done and depleted. I too was a Victor of the Games that had completely changed me and left me feeling like I was a shell of myself, lonely and misunderstood.

"I did," Haymitch said eventually, a faint smile across his face. I nodded, more to myself than to let him know I heard him.

"Can you tell me..." I cleared my throat, looking away once more. "what that's like?"

I waited a long time for an answer. The silence between us grew awkward for me so I stared at him pointedly, eyebrows raised. But he was just sitting there, bouncing slightly from left to right as the car drove on the bumpy road, a warm smile on his face as he said:

"I think you _know,"_

* * *

I watched Haymitch from my spot on the couch, as he sat at the table, making himself the tenth sandwich within the past half an hour. He took a bite and washed it down with another shot of whiskey; I grimaced. Hugging my knees to my chest, I just continued to stare for the lack of better things to do. He sniffed and took another shot before sending me a questioning look. "Are you gonna come join me?"

I stayed quiet. I wasn't in the mood for any kind of conversation. I wished I could ask him for advice. Ask for help, even. My current world was overwhelming. Impossible to deal with alone. I had no chance of saving Cato, let alone myself. I was doomed. Screwed. Hopeless. I buried my nose between my knees and closed my eyes, knowing I hadn't slept more than maybe thirty minutes at a time for weeks now. I couldn't sleep. Every time I fell asleep, I'd dream nightmares. Cato was dying or dead already in every nightmare of mine and there was nothing I was able to.

"Clove, you've got to get past this," Haymitch said, turning to me slightly, his beloved whiskey glass still in his hand. "I know it's hard; I've been there."

"Looks like you still _are_ ," I murmured, glancing to the alcohol then back at him and he smirked.

"Yeah, well, there really is no way out," he sighed dramatically, grabbing another bite. "But they don't tell you that part at the Academy, now do they?"

I looked away, biting my bottom lip and feeling exceptionally uneasy. _"Nah,"_ Haymitch drawled. "They say that it'll be great, huh? They say you only have to get half the tributes' blood on your hands and you will be cherished and loved and rich for the rest of your pitiful life, right?"

A part of me instantly felt as if I was supposed to defend the regime I was born in as if I still had some bits and pieces of my Career self-hidden deep inside that would not allow for someone to talk crap about the Academy and its notion. But I only needed a second to snap myself out of it before nodding slowly, letting him know just how right he was about all that. The Academy was a joke. Careers were a joke. Brainwashed and manipulated into thinking that they could conquer the world. Get the crown. Be worshipped. This? What I was going through right now? This was a nightmare. And it was so much worse due to all the change that had occurred during the Games and the aftermath of it. The fact that Cato was imprisoned and possibly tortured every day. The fact that I actually, sincerely missed my allies. None of the previous Careers that had won the crown had those problems to deal with. None of them cared. None of them were... _like me._

"I need to find a way to handle this," I murmured, almost unintelligibly. "But how?"

"There is no one, clear way to handle being a Victor," Haymitch responded, taking another swig. "Unless you're Enobaria or Brutus and you'll do whatever the Capitol wants you to,"

I narrowed my eyes, thinking intensively about Enobaria's last words back in the Capitol.

 _You're going down, Clove. And you are not taking me with you._

So that's what she meant. I was clearly some kind of threat to Capitol's fucked up laws and ideologies and she didn't want to be any part of whatever I was getting myself into. I couldn't help but wonder whether or not she knew about Cato... Who else knew? Was it just me? Did Haymitch know?

I stared at him as he continued to devour bread and cheese from his plate and realized that he could not possibly have been informed that there was actually more than one tribute who had survived the Games. Telling a drunky Victor from 12 would not have been a smart move on Snow's part, especially since, unlike me, Haymitch had literally nothing to lose.

"Why don't you get some sleep?" Haymitch asked and I shook all of my thoughts away and looked at him with my empty eyes. For some reason, the idea of him staying in the house while I rest upstairs was not bothering me; I almost found it comforting that I wasn't going to be left alone. I couldn't help but think of Cato and how much I wished he could be with me. I also wished that I could share the fact that he was still alive with Haymitch; I knew that there was no way I could. I felt so alone in this. I knew there was no one that truly understood what I've been dealing with.

"Yeah," I eventually responded. "That's a good idea, I'll go lie down,"

"I'll be here," he promised and I stared at him for a minute before nodding my head in a slow motion because I had no energy for anything else. I wanted to thank him, but the words somehow got stuck halfway up my throat and I simply walked off without another sound.

 _I got to the training room around the same time C_ _ato and I usually trained together only to find that yet again, he was not there. He hadn't come_ _get me for a couple of days now, ever since his brother had died in the Games. I wasn't very surprised, but I had no intentions whatsoever to go look for him. I did not understand what it was like to lose someone you care about because I never had anyone like that in my life. Cato was the only person that I'd been around for months but this was strictly professional. We worked great together as partners. He had something going on right now that I was in no way able to help him with. I was not able to offer a shoulder to cry on (if Cato was one to cry, that is). Throwing him out of my head, I began to swing my sword from left to right, up and down, working on my moves and precision. I moved my body fast and almost soundlessly, making my lips curve upwards into a satisfied smile. I was getting really good. It was a dance. One that is hard to master. But the moves alone were not the most difficult part; maintaining the indifference and coldness in your heart was. But I had that covered.  
_

 _Suddenly I felt someone's presence in the room and instantly realized that I'd been watched. Swiftly, I turned around and locked eyes with no one else but Cato, standing there with his own sword at the ready. "Hi, little girl," he greeted me as always and I felt my face relaxing._

 _"Hi," I breathed, watching him curiously. "It's been a while,"_

 _"I needed a minute," he said, his eyes stone hard as he watched the unlikely much softer look on my face he probably had not seen before. "Ready?"_

 _I frowned as I searched for any signs of regret or grief but was unable to find any. He continued to glare at me in a rather unsettling way; like he was someone else. I pushed that all aside for the sake of the training because he truly had skills that he'd been, intentionally or not, passing on to me. And I didn't want for anything to get in the way of that. I nodded and proceeded to fight him._

 _That night his eyes never lost their darkness. He remained cold and brutal until the sun went up and I was ready to go get some sleep._

 _"See you tomorrow?" I asked and he gave me a tight nod, his face turned away. I sent him one last glance before leaving him alone, with a very weird sensation in the pit of my stomach for the rest of that morning.  
_

I rarely dreamed about anything good. Especially considering recent events, it was no wonder that almost every night I'd dream about my dead allies or Cato dying right before my eyes. This night was no different. Haymitch or no Haymitch, I still ended up waking up shortly after falling asleep, sweat covering my body from head to toe. Again, the image of Cato's bloody corpse stayed in my head even though I was now fully awake. I blinked a couple of times, realizing that it was already dark outside and that I must have after all slept through a few hours at least, despite how tired I felt. Relief filled me up for one, beautiful moment because it had to mean that I was able to sleep if only I knew there was someone else in the house. And if that was the case, I just might be able to function half-normally (if that was the only reason I'd been a zombie for the last four weeks). My relief did not last long when I realized something else - not only had I managed to sleep for a longer time... I did not actually wake up on my own. Something else woke me-

I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye just half a second too late; something heavy hit me across the head and I fell off of my bed. My Career instinct kicked in and despite all the pain and dizziness I got on my feet and faced two masked intruders coming at me with sharp and shiny butcher knives in their hands. I almost laughed; I was Clove Raven from District 2. _The_ Clove Raven. Knife girl. I never went to sleep without one myself. I had a couple of knives always nearby. Still, the two people were much bigger and stronger for sure. I couldn't help but let a ghost of fear cross my eyes but then I realized that I was not about to fight for my life only...

 _I had to fight for Cato's as well._

I pushed the bed hard and fast toward them both to distract them before swiftly reaching for my knife that I had attached to my waistline. I threw it at one of them and missed his carotid artery by millimeters but the blade still hit his throat and he collapsed, gasping for breath and choking on his own blood. Before I managed to retrieve any more weapons, I felt a sharp pain in my arm; the knife of the other opponent had barely dug in and I didn't waste any time. I tore it out of my own flesh and glared at the masked man with so much hatred he took a step back.

"Still learning?" I teased coldly. "Who sent you?" I snapped but he simply jumped across the bed so fast that even I was surprised. He was much bigger than me so when he reached me, the force took us both down and we collapsed on the wooden floor. I managed to stab him in the leg as we struggled to get up, but he squeezed my injured arm hard enough to distract me for a second or two. He pushed me against the wall, my knife still in his thigh and I gasped and glared at the eyes I didn't know. "Coward," I choked out, referring to the mask he was wearing.

"You don't know me anyway," he responded, pushing harder against me when he felt that I'd started to fight him. "But I know _you,_ traitor,"

His words didn't affect me whatsoever. Gathering the last pieces of strength I had within me, I somehow managed to bring my knee up and hit his crotch, making his grip on me weaken significantly. I got one of my arms free and within seconds I had my knife back in my hand. A ghost of fear crossed my attacker's eyes, but I felt no pity. No mercy. _Nothing._

"I am _no_ traitor," I snapped through gritted teeth before sticking my knife forcefully right into his heart. His eyes teared up and widened in shock and I stared him down until he fell, gasping for air. He died with me standing above him; the last thing he'd seen was my glaring eyes, full of resent and disgust. When he took his last breath, the hate I felt suddenly let go of me. My face relaxed and I felt my eyes watering as I gaped at his body, numb and unmoving.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Haymitch burst through the door. He stopped as though he'd hit a glass wall when he saw the scene before him and I could not blame him. I stood there, somewhat covered in blood and yet looking like an innocent child that didn't know any better. He glanced from one body to the one lying in front of me before looking me in the eye, only half-surprised. "You okay?"

I let out a tired breath and nodded my head slowly. "Yeah," I whispered weakly. "it's just a scratch."

Haymitch eyed my arm suspiciously and stared at the mess once again. "You know them?"

"Let's find out," I said matter-of-factly, before bending and taking off the boy's mask. His face looked familiar enough, but I could not really tell exactly how I knew him. Haymitch removed the mask from the other guy's face and I glanced at him and also vaguely recalled having seen him before.

"Well?"

"Not sure... I might have seen them at the Academy," I said, running a hand through my hair. "I never really paid any attention to anyone there,"

"You mean beside Cato?" he asked and immediately winced as though he knew he should have bit his tongue. Little did he know, Cato was still alive and I was not mourning his death so his comment did not affect me in a way he probably thought it did, but it made me a bit suspicious... What if he actually did know? "I'm sorry," he apologized, getting on his feet and now avoiding my eyes. "it was probably a test for those two," he changed the subject instantly. "But it's clear what their mission was,"

"Sure is..." I murmured. "They were here to kill me. Not too big of a surprise, if I'm to be honest,"

"Not at all," Haymitch agreed. "Bet ya it was not a last time either."

I frowned as I thought about how many more tests and tricks Snow has up his sleeve to try and eliminate me. I knew all along he would try. If he murdered me this way, then he could get rid of Cato and the people wouldn't even riot because there would be no proof that the Capitol had anything to do with that. I was sure everyone in Panem knew how outraged certain people in Career districts were with my actions and how I had won the Games. I knew for sure there were plenty of others who really wanted me dead.

"You can't stay here, Clove," Haymitch announced suddenly and I rose my eyebrows questioningly. "Those two kids had nothing on ya but next time coming out of here alive might not be that easy,"

"What am I supposed to do then?" I asked and he finally looked me right in the eye. And then-

 _"I have an idea,"_

* * *

 **A/N:** I am very sorry, you guys. I just was crazy busy and stressed with work and school and life in general as it tends to happen once in a while. June and July were exceptionally tough and I am actually on vacation right now.  
I am not about to abandon this story; I just haven't had much energy or inspiration to update it any sooner. My apologies. Thank you so very much for all your reviews, I am really glad to see you've been enjoying this fanfic so far! :) Hope you liked this chapter!


	4. Not Alone

**Chapter 4: "Not Alone"**

 _"_ _Made me promise I'd try  
To find my way back in this life..._  
 _I hope there is a way_  
 _To give me a sign you're okay..._

 _All of my memories keep you near...  
_ _your silent whispers... silent tears..."_

 _~ Within Temptation "Memories"_

* * *

 _I frowned as I thought about how many more tests and tricks Snow has up his sleeve to try and eliminate me. I knew all along he would try. If he murdered me this way, then he could get rid of Cato and the people wouldn't even riot because there would be no proof that the Capitol had anything to do with that. I was sure everyone in Panem knew how outraged certain people in Career districts were with my actions and how I had won the Games. I knew for sure there were plenty of others who really wanted me dead._

 _"You can't stay here, Clove," Haymitch announced suddenly and I rose my eyebrows questioningly. "Those two kids had nothing on ya but next time coming out of here alive might not be that easy,"_

 _"What am I supposed to do then?" I asked and he finally looked me right in the eye. And then-_

 _"I have an idea,"_

I wasn't one to spend too much time outdoors unless it involved lots and lots of training. Otherwise, I used to always keep to myself and rather hide away from the world. Anything not directly connected with the Academy or the Hunger Games never really meant much to me. I preferred spending my time to get better and stronger, I wasn't interested in much else. So now getting used to having people stare at me everywhere I went was that much harder for me to somehow tolerate.

I knew I didn't have much of a choice. I was a Victor now; people would be recognizing me and, considering how stunning and different last Games were, they would be observing me with a whole mix of emotions. Some would be astounded. Some would be in disbelief. Others... well, they'd just be baffled. How could it be that a Career failed at being what she had been born to represent in the first place? What she had been trained to do and what was supposed to be her only purpose on this planet. How could it be that there was fear in her eyes? That she looked so unprepared for what was going to come next?

I opened the door in front of me and the little bell above my head made a soft ringing noise, just in case someone happened not to notice my presence. Of course, everybody did. I stood in the doorway, sort of paralyzed and people stared at me, making me want to just turn on my heels and run off. I swallowed hard and decided to follow through anyway. I took a few steps forward, feeling as though I was walking on sharp pieces of glass. I made it to the register and cleared my throat. The lady's eyes widened a bit as she gaped at me in utter confusion, "Hi," I said, my voice a bit shaky and _way_ too soft for a Career. "Two loaves of bread, please,"

 _Did I just say please?_

Her eyebrows furrowed even more, almost formed a single line as she continued to stare. "Two?" she finally asked, as if I said something completely out of this world.

"Yes," I replied with a single nod. The lady's eyes made me feel uneasy. She slowly turned her back on me and reached for the shelf. My shallow breaths deepened a little and I looked over my shoulder at the people behind me. No one bothered to pretend that they hadn't been watching me ever since I stepped through the door. They looked like a herd of hawks, watching their prey. I turned back around with a lump in my throat, feeling very unwanted. The lady was now packing my bread in a brown bag and I watched her do it before she made eye contact once more. I took some coins out of my pocket and handed it to her without a word.

"Thank you," were my last words that made her frown at me even more. I ignored it and left the bakery, still watched by every single soul inside.

Marching down the streets, I realized that the sun was becoming more and more bright. I estimated that it was probably past 7 am already which terrified me because it meant that I'd have to come across more people on my way back. I began to walk faster, sweat starting to form on my hairline. I needed to make it back to the house as soon as possible. I couldn't take much more of the intrusive staring, especially since I had no real idea of how those people truly thought of me now-

Lost in my head, I must have stopped paying attention to where I was going and ended up colliding with some guy walking up the street. I gasped and almost lost my balance but his hands caught me just in time. I glanced up and met his blue, kind eyes which widened instantly when I looked at him. Just like the rest, he stared at me in surprise, but unlike the others', his constant gaze did not make me feel anxious or uncomfortable.

 _"Sorry,"_ he said and his deep voice echoed in my ears. "you okay?"

"Yeah," I gasped in response and before he could say anything else I marched away, almost jogged down the street, not looking back and yet still feeling his gaze on my back. I began to run faster, wanting nothing more than to be back at the safety of my house. With every day I started to worry more and more whether Haymitch's idea was actually a good one. Maybe I would have been better off had he never come up with it.

What seemed like hours later I finally made it back to the house. I slammed the door behind me and took a deep breath with my eyes closed to calm the vital beating of my heart. I could barely recognize myself by now. Who even was I? This fragile girl who couldn't handle a morning walk to the store because she was so afraid of human interaction. Because she was so tired of being judged and stared at.

 _"Shit,"_ I gasped to myself, squeezing my fingers into fists.

"Is that the first thing you always say when you enter your house or is today a _special_ day?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice and with a hand across my chest shrieked, "What the _hell,_ Haymitch?!"

"Apologies," he murmured with a smirk, but he did not look remorseful at all. "Just wanted to stop by for a quick visit and see how you're doin',"

"At the butt crack of dawn, that is," I snapped, locking the door and pushing past him to put the bread away in the pantry. "And you invited yourself in how exactly?" I raised my eyebrow. "I vividly remember locking the door on my way out."

"That's cause you sure did," he croaked. "I have an extra key."

"You _what?"_ I gasped, getting angrier. _"_ **Why?** _"_

"Listen, it'll all make sense soon enough, alright?" he said mysteriously, helping himself to some of my bread before I got the chance to close the pantry or slap his greedy fingers. I glared at him and tightened my jaw.

"You're unbelievable," I summed up, walking away and hoping that he wouldn't follow but apparently, this was not my lucky day.

"It's been a week, how are you liking my _excellent_ idea?"

"I'm _not,"_ I threw over my shoulder, sitting on the couch and sending him a dirty look when he went and sat by the table, way too close to me.

"Well on the bright side, no one's been tryin' to kill ya, now have they?"

I let out a humorless laugh before glaring at him once more. "There's still time for that,"

"Nah," he denied with a shake of his head. "you're safe."

 _"Right,"_ I sighed with a nod and decided to let it go. "Is that all?"

Haymitch narrowed his eyes and continued to stare at me to the point I began to feel awkward underneath his gaze. "Clove, I ain't gonna pretend that I know you or understand you. But you know," he smiled quite sincerely. "It's okay to accept help sometimes. That doesn't make you any less of a Career or a strong individual."

 _"Wow,"_ I drawled. "Let me go grab a pen, I need to write that down and put it up on my fridge." I glared and that just made him laugh at me.

"Alright," he murmured under his breath. "I knew this wouldn't be easy."

"And I am _not_ a Career. _Not anymore_ ," I reminded him and myself at the same time. I didn't know how to feel about that statement; it was true after all - I was not a Career. I stopped being one the minute I took a liking to Thresh and then the rest of my allies.

 _Thresh._

His name would always cause a painful shock to go through my body. It was even worse than the pain I felt at the mention of Cato. Because I still had a chance to see him and maybe even somehow keep him alive. But Thresh? I was never going to see his face again. He was dead. Never to come back. Him I have lost completely.

"Clove, we need to talk about Victory Tour,"

I glanced up as my thoughts of a lost ally drifted to the back of my head. "What about it?"

"I know it's still months away, but there are things that I need to tell you before Snow sends orders," he said in a hoarse voice, looking kind of uninterested. "I know it'll be difficult for you... _Talking about them_ ,"

My blood turned cold. _God._ I forgot that part. I forgot that I would have to visit every district and say a few words about the Fallen because it was a tradition for the Victors to go and face the families of people they either killed or outlived. See the sorrow, grief, and hate on their faces because they would want nothing more than to kill you and have their loved one still alive with them. I supposed maybe it would be different for me, in some districts at least. After all, again, I was not a Career in that Arena. I didn't kill anyone. Any tributes, to be more precise. It hit me when I thought that; _I didn't kill any tributes..._

"He's gonna put words in my mouth again, is he not?" I questioned, blood burning my veins as it circulated through my body.

"Most certainly," Haymitch admitted. "You're gonna have to be very careful, Clove. You know Snow does **not** mess around. You are too important to risk any consequences that would follow any and every hasty action of yours,"

"Important?" I rose my eyebrows. "Says _who_?"

Haymitch looked at me like I was brand new, his eyes half-amused and half-irritated. "You cannot be serious, girl." he almost snapped. "You _must_ realize what you've done and how you've affected this country and all the people,"

"Haymitch, _please,"_ I snorted. "I am _no_ example to follow, so stop feeding me such bullshit okay? I am no warrior or leader. It's not me and never going to be-"

"Clove, you don't have a _choice_ here!" he raised his voice, effectively taking me aback. "Unless you switch persona or decide to again become whoever you were before the Games, you don't _get_ to choose! Unless you openly begin to help Snow and let everyone know that you do not give a shit, you can't go around the fact that you ARE the example for the people and the hope for all the districts wanting to uprise!"

"But I'm _not!"_ I yelled back, standing up and feeling tears beneath my eyelids which only made me angrier. "I _shouldn't_ have lived, okay? It should be _Cato!"_

Tears spilled from my eyes and they were unstoppable. They might have forced Haymitch to calm down and look at me with sympathy that I wanted to rip right off of his face. " _Stop,"_ I hissed. "Stop looking at me like this, I don't need or want anybody's pity,"

"I don't pity you," he claimed, his voice much quieter than before. "Clove, I have been where you are, except that I had never been forced to make friends with folks that were already dead anyway. When I won I was allowed to just carry on with my pathetic life without having to worry about districts starting a revolution because they saw something in me that motivated them. But that's _not_ the case now," he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. "Clove, what do you have to lose?"

My eyes narrowed as I pressed my lips together. _Should I tell him?_ Should I tell him that I have _everything_ to lose? I couldn't. Cato's life was at stake here. I couldn't tell anybody that I was not actually being selfish. I was not letting a great opportunity to change this country simply go past us. I didn't care about my life. I was trying to save _his._

"Clove," Haymitch tried to get my attention again. "I can't help you when you don't talk to me."

I sucked in a breath, still half-debating with my inner self whether or not I should try and get this heaviness off my chest. The image of Cato's broken and bloody body suddenly went through my head and that was all I needed. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk that Snow would find out (and he most certainly would) and Cato would pay the price. "I can't tell you anything," I whispered, staring Haymitch straight in the eyes. "You are the only person that's been around. And I am starting to like you," I added dismissively but did not fail to notice a small smile that crossed his face. "So I can't say anything."

He nodded slowly, observing me like a hawk and I licked my lips and turned away, sitting back down on the couch. "Clove, you may not know it yet, but you are _not_ alone. I know it feels this way right now, but you aren't. And I don't mean my old annoying self," he added as an afterthought and I heard a smirk in his voice. "You have people watching your back ever since you left the Arena. _You are **not** alone_,"

I wasn't sure how I felt about his words or whether I could believe him. But if he was telling the truth then I was equally glad and terrified. It would be nice to have people on my side, but then again I knew that any support could very easily have disastrous effects on my plan to keep Cato alive. And that mattered _most_ to me. He **had to** come out of this alive even if it meant that **I** _wouldn't._

"What do I do?" I asked in a small voice and he looked slightly relieved, possibly presuming that I just said yes to whatever he had in mind. Which I didn't really. I just needed to know what was expected of me so that I could make a backup plan.

"We have to take this step by step. We have to find a way to outsmart Snow and yet still do as he says so as to not put yourself in any danger,"

"Sounds easy..." I spat sarcastically and he rolled his eyes.

"Like you thought anything about this would be easy,"

True. I _didn't._

"People are gonna use your name all over now, even when you had nothing to do with whatever they want to broadcast. You have to prepare yourself. It's gonna be a rough ride,"

"Haymitch, I am _fully_ aware of that,"

"Okay, Ms. Hasty," he put his hands up in mock surrender and I glared. "Are you with me?"

I stared at him, feeling a dozen different emotions. I felt excited, overwhelmed, angry and upset all at the same time. The fact alone that I was able to name all those was huge progress for me. "I sure am not _against_ you, if that's what you're asking me,"

Haymitch smiled. _That had to do._

* * *

 _"Hold still,"_

 _I rolled my eyes. My arm was cut wide open. Why would I move while this man tries to stitch it up?_

 _"Well, look at that," a deep voice rang from the doorway and I cursed under my breath._

 _"Seriously?" I muttered and the nurse glanced at me to which I responded with a "mind your own business" kind of look. "Must you follow me **everywhere** I go?"_

 _"No, but I do it just for the sake of getting on your nerves," Cato proudly stated and I snorted.  
_

 _"Figures," I snapped as he sat in the chair that was opposite to mine. "What happened to you?"_

 _"Oh," he perked up, rolling up the hem of his black shirt. "Just a scratch,"_

 _I glanced down and noticed (which was not hard) a long and quite wide gash across his abdomen, bleeding heavily. His shirt was soaked, he must have been pressing it to his stomach as he was on his way here. "Cool," I commented and looked away, watching as the man who was stitching me up immediately proceeded to assist Cato instead. " **Seriously**?" I snapped again and he gave me a dirty look._

 _"He's worse off," the nurse told me coldly and I laughed humorlessly._

 _"Well, **I** was here first,"_

 _"Aw come on now, little girl. Do you really want me to bleed out before your very beautiful eyes? You know you **can't** live without me."_

 _"Well maybe we are both gonna end up in the Hunger Games, then I will get the chance to show you just how **much** I can't live without you," I said, glaring at him intensely, wanting nothing more than to reach out and gut him. He snickered in response._

 _"Oh, I got no doubt that you'd try to kill me the second it came down to you and me,"_

 _"I wouldn't wait **that** long," I assured him and again he smirked. "You think you'd kill me first, don't you?"  
_

 _His sly smile slightly faded for some reason and I frowned. He stared at me for a hot minute before asking, "Why do you think that?"_

 _"I don't know," I shrugged. "Seems like something your arrogant self would think. I mean, guys like you-"_

 _"Guys like **me**?" He cut me off with another snicker, before leaning forward much to the nurse's annoyance. "Trust me, Clove," he said in that deep voice of his that I realized (with astoundment) was lately giving me shivers way too often for my liking. "You have yet to __m_ _eet a guy that would be **anything** like me."_

* * *

Another day and again I was up at the butt crack of dawn walking to the bakery. I had no doubt that the very same scenario would happen and it almost felt like a very odd Deja Vu. Again, I walked inside with everyone's eyes on me and again I asked for two loaves of bread. The lady stared at me with furrowed eyebrows, as usual, and fulfilled my request. I paid, grabbed the bread and left the bakery without so much as a word or glance. I almost began to get used to such undesired attention; there wasn't anything I could do about it so the only logical response was accepting it.

Walking down the same road with the bright sun making my eyes squint, I decided I had done all I had planned (again) and was to lock myself in the house for the remainder of this day. But for such a precise routine somehow something felt different. I began to feel uneasy as if something was about to go down. I slowed down just a tiny bit and continued to breathe steadily, my hand automatically finding its way to my belt where I had hidden a few sharp friends of mine. I got off the main road and took a sharp turn into the first alley I noticed. I pressed my back flat against the wall behind me and waited.

Either I was being paranoid or that somebody who has been following me would ditch whatever plans he might have and leave me be. Unless he's crazy. Unless he wants me to cut his-

I jumped the man as soon as he entered the alley and trapped him between my small, but strong body and the wall, my knife against his throat as I panted at his face, _"why are you following me?!"_

He gasped in surprise, his blue eyes wide and his face frozen in a complete shock.

 _"Okay,"_ he muttered. "I suppose all the Career training actually _does_ pay off,"

I pressed my knife a bit harder against his skin to show that I was not fooling around. _"Speak,"_

"Alright," he nodded, putting his hands up. "My name is Gale Hawthorne."

I raised my eyebrows because he had to know that I didn't care for his name and had no clue who he was. I was only interested to know why he was-

 _"Friend of Katniss',"_

I froze. _Shit._ I knew something like this would happen. That I would have to interact with someone related to either tribute from 12... _**Damn** you, Haymitch. _You and your _stupid_ ideas.

I moved my knife away and let go of him, my eyes still on his face and I could see him trying to figure out what I was about to do next. Suddenly I realized something...

 _I knew this guy..._ Yes. I saw him before. At the Reaping when Katniss volunteered for her sister; he was the one to take that little screaming girl away and back to her mother. And he was also the one that I had accidentally walked into the first time I took a stroll to the bakery.

There were so many things I wanted to so say. I wanted to scream out that I was sorry. That there was nothing else that I could have done. There was so much to say... _but-_

"What do you want?"

That was all I was able to choke out. He stared down at me in such an unfortunate way that he instantly reminded me of Cato. He was also tall and big, looking very strong and confident. _And **very** handsome..._

I shook my head, "I asked you a question,"

 _"Easy,"_ he said. "I'm not gonna hurt ya,"

I snorted. _Like you could._ Okay, he indeed was a big guy, but still, he was no Cato. And he certainly never had proper training. I had to admit, though, that for a person from the poorest district he surely looked quite capable physically, which was rather rare. "I'm not worried," I responded coldly and he nodded, very well knowing what I meant. If he had watched the Games, he must have known that I could do some damage if I wanted.

"I have been watching you for days," he admitted.

"You must have a death wish," I said and he smiled. He actually _smiled._

"Not quite," he growled in a deep voice and for whatever reason, I felt a shiver slide down my back. "I just wanted to talk."

"About _what?"_ I questioned, narrowing my eyes and trying not to show any interest. But I was, in fact, curious as to what it was he really wanted.

"I was shocked to see you here," he said, his voice sounding more relaxed now. "Didn't think that it was possible to move to a different district."

"Yeah well, they made an exception _especially_ for me," I said sarcastically. "What do you want, Gale?"

Again, as soon as I said his name, something weird happened to my body; something like a shock. He watched me for a minute, long enough that I couldn't help but look away, feeling somewhat exposed underneath his stare.

"Just wanted to thank you, Clove,"

 _You did **not** just say my name..._

"-I didn't think that I would ever be able to do it in person but ever since I saw you here a few weeks ago I just couldn't shake off the need to come and talk to you. I want you to know that Katniss' family and the entire district, in fact, _all of us_ are very grateful for what you did for our tributes. For saving Katniss' life and trying to save it again until there was nothing else you could do to-"

"Stop," I gasped, taking a step back. _"Please._ Not another word,"

To my surprise, he didn't seem shocked that I cut his speech short. On the contrary; he looked like he understood where I was coming from.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

 _"No,"_ I interrupted him again. "Who are you trying to fool? We both know that you wish she was here now instead of _me,"_

He stared but said nothing and he did not have to.

"But don't worry," I continued. _"So do I,"_

With that I watched his eyes grow sadder but I truly didn't understand why. I turned on my heels and marched off as fast as my legs would let me, hoping to God I didn't believe in that I would never have to speak to this guy ever again.

* * *

 **A/N:** I know it's been forever. My sincere apologies. I have not given up on this, though. Just haven't had any time, sadly. Life's been busy and quite rough, unfortunately. But, here I am and I hope that some of you are still interested and that you liked this chapter. And yes, Clove does now live in District 12. Oh the beauty of fanfiction. :)

Hope 2019 has been good to you all and that you had a wonderful Easter!


	5. Rise and Shine

**Chapter 5: "Rise And Shine"**

 _"Why love if losing hurts so much?  
_ _I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived._  
 _The pain now is part of the happiness then."_  
 _~ Anthony Hopkins_

* * *

I guess I never realized how great of luxury just being a nobody was. I longed the times I was just this girl from the Academy in District 2, not really known by name to anyone. The only thing that people knew about me back then was that I was determined and fierce. And that I really wanted to be picked for the Hunger Games and win them. I was strong and I always fought until my very last breath. I never showed to anyone that there was any weakness to me, but there was. _Of course,_ there was. I knew that now. I mean, nobody's perfect. We all have flaws. I should have realized that a long time ago. I guess I had not been nearly as smart as I had previously thought, after all.

To walk around the district and have all those people's eyes on me was awful. I had no idea what they were thinking of me, how they saw me, how they felt about my actions in the Arena and _after_ the Games. One thing was for certain; I could surely sense some mild hostility between all those curious and sad glances they kept sending me. And it made me feel uneasy because what if I managed to escape one threat only to have to face another? But then again, coming across Katniss' best friend was bad enough. It was still very early but I could not care less. I wanted to just go home, lock myself away.

I jogged down the road as fast as I could, avoiding all the stares and actually praying that I wouldn't meet anybody else on my way. In the midst of all the running and thinking, I realized that I would not be able to just continue hiding from everyone and everything for much longer. It could very well be my last day of such "freedom". Snow was likely growing impatient with me and my lack of acting; he needed me to try and sort this mess out but _how?_ How was I expected to do that? I felt like he was only blackmailing me for his own sick amusement because he _must_ know that what he had asked of me was impossible to do.

I ran inside my house and shut the door behind me, my back hitting it hard as I slid down it, trying to catch my breath. I hated my life. _Hated_ it. On the bright side, for the first time since I got here, I realized I was very tired and needed sleep. Happy with that revelation, I waited until I could breathe again and got myself up with a hiss of pain under my breath. I walked up the stairs and basically jumped into bed. Before I knew it, my eyelids started to feel super heavy and the light in the room began to fade.

When I woke up again, I didn't know where I was; it was dark and chilly. The cool wind caused goosebumps to cover my bare arms which I hugged to my chest, Before I knew it, rain began to softly hit me as I stood there shaking, lost and confused. "Hello?!" I yelled into the black void, for whatever reason thinking that that was a good idea.

All of a sudden I saw the moon making its way from behind a dark cloud above me and instantly, I realized that I was back in the Arena. _How?_ Why? When did they transport me here? Had I fallen asleep so deeply that they were able to sneak up on me and take me from the comfort of my remote house in District 12? Again, I was in this horrible place, but this time I was here to **die**. I could feel it. Snow has had enough of waiting and he needed me gone.

I looked around frantically, suddenly feeling more afraid than ever. Something was off. Something was definitely not right. I realized that I was slowly losing my mind.

"Is _this_ why I'm here?!" I yelled into the sky, not hoping for any answer. _"Are you trying to break me!?"_

My voice echoed a couple of times and made birds fly out of the trees everywhere around. I waited for what seemed like forever and when I was almost about to give up and just sit in the middle of the clearing and cry myself to death, a big figure of someone basically materialized right in front of me. I sucked in a shaky breath and took a step back because that someone not only was Thresh, but he was holding an ax in his big hand. His eyes were filled with hate; something I didn't think I would see ever again, because the last time Thresh had been looking at me in such a hostile way was in the Capitol, before the rules had changed. He was panting and staring me down, effectively causing a shiver to run down my back.

 _"Thresh,"_ I gasped, both terrified and relieved because here he was again. Standing before me. But I didn't need a long time to remind myself that this person could not be the real Thresh I used to know. This guy was **not** my fallen ally.

"You lied to me," he said in that deep voice I remembered so well. _"You betrayed me,"_

 _"What,"_ I choked out, taking another step back as he began to come closer. "What are you talking about?"

"You promised that you would not let them change you again. You promised that you would be better. You _lied,"_

"Thresh, I-"

"You _LIED!_ "

His voice echoed in my ears and sent a painful shock down my body and all I saw next was a flash of Thresh's ax making its way towards my head.

I shot up into a sitting position, panting and shaking, drops of sweat rolling down the sides of my forehead. I touched my head with both hands as if looking for a wound an ax could have left before looking around and coming to the conclusion that I was in my bedroom in my new house in District 12. No one had taken me from here and put me back in the Arena with a clone of Thresh whom I missed so much every day. _"God,"_ I choked out, swallowing hard and grasping my hair in fists. I needed to get out of here.

In a haste, I took off my shirt, which by then was completely soaked with sweat, and put on a tank top and a light jacket over that before changing my underwear and putting on some jeans. Without looking back I left the house (remembering to lock the door) and ran outside into the large square, looking into the darkness and expecting... _what?_ To wake up and see Thresh and Cato in front of me? Alive? Unharmed? ... _Happy+_? What **did** I expect?

Bursting through the front door of another house, I screamed, _"Haymitch!"_

I didn't have to wait long for his response. He came running from the living room, hair stuck in all different directions, eyes red and drunk and his skin an unhealthy shade of grey. " _What?!_ What is it?"

I must have abruptly woken him up and he actually looked frightened. "Nothing," I said, holding my hands up. _"I just need-"_

I froze. Because I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know why I ended up at Haymitch's house in the middle of the night. Maybe it was because I _really_ didn't have anybody else.

"Well why the hell would you come in here and yell like the world is on fire?" he snapped at me, clearly very unhappy with what I did. _Um, because it **was**? _I felt like telling him but I didn't. All I did was put my hands down as I let out a shaky breath; his glare burning holes in my face.

"I'm sorry," I choked out at last. But I wasn't really sure what I was apologizing for. Scaring him? Acting like a crazy person? Well, maybe I _was_ crazy. _And so was Haymitch._

"Are you okay, Knife girl?" he asked, his anger slowly fading and I frowned. This relationship we had was getting weirder by the minute.

"Am I... _okay?_ " I almost laughed. "No, I'm _not_ okay! You've brought me here and now I am forced to interact with people who lost their loved ones so I could live!"

"Clove, look-"

" _Why_ did you have to come up with something so **stupid**!?"

"To save your _life_!" he shouted back, his face quickly retrieving a grimace. "Your people would have killed you and you know that! Snow _knew_ that. Why did you think he'd been looking so content since you'd won the Games?"

 _That wasn't why._ I thought to myself. _He has Cato!_ I wished I could scream that out loud. But I _couldn't._ Cause _that_ was the real reason that I couldn't mention to Haymitch. Sadly, he was now all I had.

"They would have **killed** you, Clove," he said, again a bit more composed. "For all we know, had I not moved you here, you'd have been long dead. Don't you get it? You people are _maniacs_ ,"

I must have looked taken aback because as soon as he said that he took a sharp breath and stepped back as if shocked himself. I didn't take any offense and it was almost funny to see he thought differently. I decided it would be interesting to watch him try and get himself out of this. "I meant to say _they_ are maniacs," he corrected his previous statement and I rose my eyebrows.

"Wow," I murmured and had to stop from laughing at the look on his face. I let out a heavy breath and then, "Well at least you got one thing right. One thing we agree on. _Yes,_ we **are** maniacs. We are raised to be maniacs because if you're anything but, you're _dead._ Ironic, isn't it?"

"Clove, seriously, I was just-"

"Haymitch, _calm down_ ," I dismissed his explanation with a lazy wave of my hand. "I don't care what you think of me as long as you are trying to help and it **is** what you have been doing."

He nodded more to himself than to me and a sad smile appeared on his tired, old face. "Well, why are we standing in the hallway? Come in for a drink,"

I couldn't remember the last time I felt a greater relief. This was in fact what I needed. This was, I realized, what I had come here for. I needed to feel numb for at least a few moments. Following Haymitch, I couldn't help but smile to myself that I was lucky to have him as my mentor now. I didn't have to imagine what Enobaria would have been like cause I knew very well. Now **that** would have been pure hell. With Haymitch I at least knew I had someone on my side; I could tell he wished me well and that he shared the popular opinion in District 12; Snow was a dick and the Capitol should be burned. It was quaint, really. To now have such a different mindset. Had I heard someone say that before the Games, I would have had a strong urge to hurt them. That was how brainwashed I used to be.

"What are you serving tonight?" I asked nonchalantly and Haymitch smirked.

"Whisky, _of course_ ," he drawled as if that was what he had at all times (which he didn't). At times Haymitch would drink some really nasty stuff so I was thankful he had something decent at hand.

"Well you've just made my night," I smiled as I sat down on his couch and watched him pour a glass. He croaked a laugh and took a bow and I just shook my head. I now realized that Haymitch must be pretty darn happy to have someone as miserable as him around. He used to be all alone with his nightmares. Now he had someone around who understood perfectly how he felt.

"Cheers," he murmured, handing me my drink and as soon as he did, I knew I'd spent the next day vomiting. Was it really worth it? Was alcohol really gonna help me?

 _Hell **yes**. _

* * *

_I loved waking up early. I knew that to people from outside of the Academy it was possibly strange; to see me jogging at 4 in the morning when they knew my whole day was filled with hardcore training anyways. But I was used to it. I would go to bed around midnight and then wake up 4 hours later to go running for an hour at least before I had to be back at the Academy at 6 a.m. Was I crazy? Probably. But this was District 2 I lived in; everyone was pretty nuts._

 _I came back to my dorm around 5:30 one day and heard some of the girls sigh angrily. I knew it wasn't just the fact that I kept waking them up at the butt crack of dawn (I never cared to be quiet when leaving), it was mostly jealousy. Because they were not strong enough or motivated enough to do what I did. They were not that dedicated. Which was why they would never be chosen to volunteer._

 _I heard Sasha murmur "bitch" under her breath but I just smirked to myself and went to take a shower. As always I felt energized and ready to start another day. I quickly put my clothes on and went to the cafeteria for breakfast. There was no one there because people preferred to sleep in rather than wake up early to eat something before the training. Stupid, if you ask me. I knew I needed my strength_ _. I would always eat a bowl of muesli and fruit_ _beforehand._

 _It was 5:55 so I put my plate away and quickly made my way down the hall. I entered my assigned training room and almost immediately spotted Nigel standing nearby and talking to someone. Nigel was probably the only person I didn't mind at the Academy. He was no candidate for a tribute, but he was frank and he was respectful. Not once had he looked down on me. He treated me equally to guys in his group and for that,_ _he had my respect. I was glad that I would never have to be the one to kill him._

 _"Hey Clove!" Nigel greeted me, as he always did whenever he saw me. The Blonde guy with him stared at me, too, looking very angry. I kinda recognized him from the classes we had together. All I knew was that he was really good. A very strong candidate._

 _"Morning, Nigel," I said, still walking. "Ready for an ass-kicking?"_

 _He snickered, "You know it!"_

 _I nodded, not a smile on my face as I carried on walking to the knife station. I had a long and productive day ahead of me; that was all I could think of._

* * *

I startled myself awake and once more shot up into a sitting position. With a trembling hand across my chest, I proceeded to calm my breathing. The alcohol I had consumed last night began its way up my throat and I grimaced and swallowed hard, trying to avoid the inevitable. I looked around and saw Haymitch sleeping face first on the table, his fingers around the glass still containing some whiskey. I slapped my palm across my mouth and scrambled from the couch and ran for the bathroom.

After I was done completely emptying my stomach, I came back to the living room. Haymitch was snoring loudly and I figured there was no need for me to wake him. I grabbed my jacket from the couch and headed for the door, passing a mirror on my way to the front door. I stopped for a hot minute; who was this pale, fragile girl looking at me in the reflection?

 _Who was I?_

I closed the door behind me and decided to take my usual walk to town for some bread. Checking my pockets for coins, I left the Victors' Village. I didn't really feel like staying at home to suffer from my intoxication alone and in silence. I still was feeling extremely nauseous, but I chose not to stick around the house and be miserable. Focusing on anything else was gonna do me some good.

I made it to the bakery much faster this time around but what I had not failed to notice as well was that there were a lot of people in the street. Normally, there would be just a few. This led me to the conclusion that it was already late morning. Anxiety tried to take over my drunk mind but I pushed it aside. After all, everyone here already knew that I had moved to District 12 and if Haymitch was right, I had nothing to worry about.

But then again, I was crazy to believe Haymitch. And I was about to be proven right.

As I got closer to the entrance of the bakery, I began to feel more and more uneasy with every step I took. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw people approaching me and at last, I stopped and looked around. Sure enough, I was the center of attention to everyone on the street. _I should have known coming here so late was a bad idea._

"Why are you here?" someone questioned me but there were so many faces around me that I didn't even know who had actually said that. _"What do you want here?"_

I sucked in a breath. Instantly, I began to feel dizzy. _Shit._ Why did I have to be right all the time? This had to happen eventually.

"What do they need you here for?" An older man stepped out from the crowd and looked at me accusingly. "We _didn't_ forget! Just because you had a change of heart, we didn't forget what you people from 2 are like!"

"Have they sent you here to spy on us?!" another voice called but I didn't manage to react.

 _"ENOUGH,"_

For a second I thought that somehow Haymitch was here to protect me from those insinuations. But that voice sounded nothing like him. It was younger and stronger. It was-

 _Gale._

My body went numb. What did he want now? Did he think I needed for him to come and save me? I couldn't blame District 12 for being suspicious. I'd be surprised, in fact, if they weren't. Why would he, of all people, want to help me out? I could be here only because his friend had _died._ How come he didn't hate me?

"She is no spy," he announced coming closer to me. My eyes softened despite all the odds. Cato's face went flying across my mind and I clenched my jaw, suddenly hating myself.

"How would _you_ know?" the older man snapped but Gale was calm and collected. "Why _else_ would they allow for her to move here? It's illegal for everyone else!"

 _"Because,"_ he said, glancing at me. "People in her district attempted to _kill_ her,"

All of a sudden, complete silence surrounded us. I could see that people's faces began to relax and some of them even nodded to themselves, as if that was a sufficient explanation for all their accusations. But all I could think of was... _how the hell did he know that?_

"Had she stayed there, she would have been murdered," Gale continued. "You may not like where she is from. Hell, **I** don't either. But she's the same person that voluntarily got herself in the midst of bullets so she could help our tribute. So she could help _Katniss_ ," his voice somewhat broke when he said her name and I couldn't help but look down. "She's the same person that came back to Katniss' side when she was deadly injured and tried to help her again. She's the person who made sure she wouldn't have to suffer. She's the person that could have left her to die slowly and painfully by the hands of other Careers. But she _didn't,_ "

I looked up and saw that he was watching me intensely. For a few seconds, it felt as if there was nobody and nothing around us. It was just my guilt. And his recognition.

"She knew it was likely she was going to die herself. She knew she would pay for her actions. And yet, she did those things," he announced to the crowd. "So you are more than welcome to hate the Capitol. To hate District 2 and the Careers that killed our tributes. But you are in no position to hate _her_ ,"

There were some faint murmurs around me and I waited for what would happen next as if for some sort of verdict. Did he manage to convince them? And most importantly... was _I_ convinced?

"Disperse, alright?" Gale called out. "We don't need for Peacekeepers to come and do it for us, now do we?"

For whatever reason, the crowd listened. Which made me wonder if Gale had a bigger say in this district? I had no idea who he was. Maybe he was someone important. He surely didn't look the part. And I remembered seeing him in a miner uniform. And yet, they listened to him. Just like that. They turned their backs on me and went in different directions, leaving me alone. I watched them go in semi-disbelief, unsure how to act now myself. Gale waited for everyone to walk away far enough before coming closer to me. "Hey," he murmured as if scared of my reaction. I couldn't blame him; our last encounter had not been exactly pleasant. "You doing alright?"

"Why did you do that?" I asked him straight up because I really wanted to know. _What did he want?_

"I did what was right, Clove,"

 _ **Stop** saying my name._

"Well, it's not your responsibility to save the day, is it?" I snapped without a reason, really. He did me a favor, after all. But there was something about this guy that just made me feel very odd which I couldn't even explain. Moreover, he was Katniss' friend. _Best_ friend, from what I had gathered. _It didn't feel right._

Gale smiled. He actually _smiled._ "I see that this whole attitude of yours wasn't just for the cameras, was it?"

I narrowed my eyes dangerously to get him to leave but he wasn't having any of that. _Another thing he and Cato had in common-_

"You don't have to play a hero, what do you want from me?"

"I simply happen to understand the system better than the rest of my district, Clove,"

"The system is very easy to see through if only one has some brains,"

"I'm guessing you've always had brains, yet they managed to shape you into something they wanted you to be, did they not?" he asked quietly, almost carefully.

"That was different," I shook my head. "you don't get it,"

"You're right," he nodded. _"I don't."_

I stared into his calm, grey eyes and for a few bliss seconds, I felt safe and content. As if I knew that everything would be alright somehow. I shook my head to get rid of such silly thoughts. "How did you know?"

"How did I know _what?"_

"That they tried to kill me back in 2?"

His face sort of hardened when I asked that question and he looked around again. "The walls have ears. People talk,"

That didn't seem like a valid explanation but then again, I guess I didn't care much _how_ he knew. I just needed him to stay away. He was messing with my head too much. Talking to him made me feel uneasily guilty. _And not just because of Katniss..._

"I have to go," I whispered but before I could walk away, his strong hand grabbed my arm and a certain memory flashed through my head. It was like a shock.

 _Cato._ As he went to grab my arm before I could run off with Katniss to carry out our plan. He stopped me. _If you don't make it back here in time to kill them, we'll be gone._ He had said. _If you're even a few seconds late, **I'll** be gone. _

My breathing quickened because for that moment it was almost as if I could see Cato again, standing right before me. I could feel his hand on my arm. I could smell his scent-

 _Don't be late._

That had been the last thing he had said before I kissed him. I remembered the kiss so vividly that it hurt every time I'd think of it.

Shaking my arm away from Gale's grip, I stepped back, my eyes wide and bloodshot. "What are you doing? _Don't touch me-_ "

"Hey, it's okay," he held his hands up. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,"

"It seems as though you have been giving yourself permission to do shit you shouldn't," I glared. I may have been grateful for driving the crowd away. Maybe I did not actually mind him grabbing my arm. But none of that mattered. I hated this person I have become. Before... I had never had to worry about anything like that. I had to focus on one crucial thing now; I couldn't allow myself to start feeling _anything_ towards someone other than Haymitch. Him I had already begun to not only tolerate but almost _like._ But he was my mentor; it was inevitable. I couldn't afford any friends. And I definitely shouldn't allow myself to start caring for-

"Leave me alone," I snapped. "I'm not Katniss, I will _never_ be anything like her, so _just_ **stop**!"

Gale took a step back and a hurt look crossed his face. _Damn it._ I cussed myself in my head. That was seriously unnecessary. But if that was what it took to get him to quit... whatever it was he was trying to do, I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't like it. But it _had to_ be this way.

"All right," he agreed eventually. "Take care, Clove," he added as an afterthought before walking away and leaving me feeling unexplainable things. I watched him go, hating myself. I absolutely hated the way I just treated him. But I knew I did the right thing. I needed to focus on keeping Cato alive. He was the reason that I was out of the Arena and the Capitol. He was the one who had saved me in every way possible. He was the person I cared for more than anything else in the world. He needed to live. And I needed to get him out.

 _"Fuck,"_ I ran my hand through my hair and bit my bottom lip. I fought off the urge to follow Gale and apologize and eventually made my way inside the bakery to buy the fucking bread, but my head was somewhere else. Katniss would have hated this. She would have really hated me saying those things to her friend and behaving in such a cold manner after he had just tried to help. I guess my fate was to let everybody down. It was like that dream of mine, with Thresh telling me I lied. I was getting really tired of feeling so Goddamned worthless.

"Two loaves?" the woman asked, as always watching me carefully.

"Yeah," I snapped, which was unusual. Normally I'd be more something that I guessed people around here considered _polite._ She stared at me quizzically and then proceeded to wrap the bread in brown paper.

"You're that girl from District 2, aren't you?"

I looked up, furrowing my eyebrows. This was the first time the woman tried to make a conversation. There was only one more person in the bakery and it was an older man, likely an employee. He turned his head a bit and gaped at the scene before him. "Yes," I replied shortly. "Here's your money," I said, handing her some coins and assuming she would get the hint. _She didn't._

"It's no wonder you've won," she commented, her face wearing a hard to identify grimace. But her voice was rather casual. _"My son had nothing on you,"_

I froze. _Fuck._ Damn it. _Fucking **damn it.**_

"You didn't know," she quickly put two and two together. It couldn't have been difficult; my face said it all. I didn't. Or maybe I just hoped she wasn't the mother of the boy I had seen take his last breath. I had hoped that she was just an employee.

"Yes, _Peeta was my son."_

Another shock went through my body but this time it was different. This time it was as if it turned my blood cold. This time it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall. I could almost hear Katniss' voice screaming in my head.

 _Peeta! Oh **God** , Peeta!_

I squeezed my eyes shut for a few seconds, trying to remember where I was and that those screams were not real.

 _Peeta... I heard no cannon... there was no cannon..._

I tried to tune out Katniss' voice. This couldn't be happening. First Gale. Now this woman. I was gonna go crazy here.

"I'm sorry," I said, grabbing my bread and trying to walk away but she wasn't gonna let me go that easily.

"What are you sorry for, girl?" she snorted. "It was not your fault. I lost my son the moment he was reaped. But there's one thing I would want to know."

I sucked in a breath and looked her in the eys, choosing to honor her wish and answer her question. Whatever it may be.

"You look like you eat less than even the most starving in this district," she looked at me curiously. "Why do you need two loaves of bread every day?"

I frowned. That was all she wanted to know? I spent the last minutes of her son's life with him and she wanted to know what I did with her bread?

My eyes looked down and I fought off a smile as yet another memory crossed my mind.

 _It was dark and cold as we entered the city. The vodka I had consumed in the woods was really starting to get to me and my vision was getting more blurry by the minute. There was a bright side to all of this, though; I felt truly careless. Numb. Almost... **content**. Like I had long accepted my fate._

 _"What are you doing?" I heard Katniss ask and saw Peeta send her a smile._

 _"Shoelace," he explained and she nodded carrying on walking as he stayed behind. I watched him kneel and re-do it, as both Cato and Thresh passed me by. By the time I caught up with Peeta, he was already getting up. He let out a heavy sigh and looked at me in a rather funny way. I smirked and he seemed to relax immediately._

 _"Are you coming?" Thresh called over his shoulder and Peeta nodded before turning to me again. We began to walk side by side and I chuckled under my breath suddenly._

 _"What?" Peeta asked with a frown on his face._

 _"I just wonder," I sighed and he smiled at how chilled and relaxed I must have looked. "District 12 people are supposedly all starved and weak and yet Katniss here knows archery better than I do and you are likely almost as strong as Cato. How is that?"_

 _His smile slightly faded but his face remained kind and calm. "My parents own a bakery. I've had my fair share of training involving lots of flour sacks." he half-laughed and I couldn't help but let out a bit of a chuckle myself._

 _"I suppose that explains it," I commented sarcastically but he didn't look_ like _he was_ going _to say anything else about it. "A bakery, huh?"_

 _"Yeah,"_

 _"Well," I sighed, licking my lips as I thought of tasting a piece of freshly baked bread. "Maybe I'll stop by one day,"_

 _Peeta laughed loud enough for everyone upfront to stop and give us odd looks._

I looked up, realizing I must have been staring at the floor for a good minute before my mind drove the memory away. The woman was still watching me and I swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to tell her this was all a joke and everyone from the Arena is still very much alive. _Just like Cato._

 _"So?"_ she asked, a bit impatient by now. "What do you need two loaves of bread a day for?"

"I _don't,"_ I answered quietly. She titled her head and waited. I sighed heavily. "Peeta told me about your bakery. There is only one here. And the first day I came here I realized how little people have and how badly such business must be going."

She seemed to move back a little bit probably having expected anything else. But not _that._

"I can't fix much, Mrs. Mellark," I continued, squeezing the bag I was holding and again catching her off guard. She probably didn't think I'd have bothered to remember Peeta's last name. "I couldn't bring your son back. I couldn't save him from those bullets." His dead face crossed my mind and I shook my head. "But," I added glancing at the man I guessed was his father. "I _can_ buy two loaves of bread from you every day."

They both just gaped at me like I had just announced to the world I was Snow's granddaughter. I wasn't sure how they felt about my generosity (if I could call it that). I had quickly come to realize that people here could barely afford one loaf of bread a week. I felt bad enough that not only had I survived (and not Katniss or Peeta), but I now lived and walked down the streets in their district rich as fuck. I had invaded _their_ home and the space of their grieving families. Maybe I wasn't to be blamed for their deaths. But I certainly knew that it couldn't be easy knowing that I was here instead of in District 2 where I belonged.

"Good day," I concluded and without another word left the bakery, feeling their stunned looks on my back as I closed the door.

* * *

I stared at Haymitch from the doorway of his living room; he was still snoring away, _still_ clutching that damn glass in his hand.

"Unbelievable," I said to myself before making my way over and throwing the bread on the table, effectively waking him. _"Rise and shine."_

He groaned terribly and lifted his head, his eyes completely drunk. "What the _actual-_ "

"I just came back from a nice morning stroll in town," I explained, crossing my arms across the chest. "You said that I was safe here, Haymitch."

He glared at me, sitting back and letting out a sharp breath. "You lookin' quite safe to me, Knife Girl."

At this point, I glared back. "I don't know what I was thinking. You saved me from a lion's den only to leave me out in the jungle to wait for something _else_ to come and tear me apart."

"What are you _talking_ about?" he asked, barely conscious and trying to get that last sip of whiskey from his glass. I snatched it away from him. _"Ey!"_

"Your people have just cornered me and tried to accuse me of being a spy, **that's** what." I snapped, pushing his hand away as he tried to grab the glass back from me. He snorted.

"What did you think they were gonna do, Clove?" he hissed. "Throw a welcome party?"

 _"Hilarious,"_ I responded, splashing the whiskey onto the table in anger and putting the glass back with a thud. "Thanks for the help."

 _"Alright, alright!_ Hold up!" he exclaimed as I turned to storm out. "I didn't think that was gonna happen, but come _on_. The idea was to keep you _alive,_ Clove. **That's** why you're here. I never said that you wouldn't be asked about all the why's and what for's, damn it. This whole situation is a first. People got the right to wonder."

He had a point; they did. But how was I ever gonna be at peace in District 12 if I couldn't even explain the reason I was here, to begin with?

 _At peace?_ A voice echoed in my head. _You have got to be kidding, Clove._

"How did you get away anyway?" Haymitch asked, so casually it made me want to slap him silly. He grabbed his glass again, then glared at me furiously as though he just realized what I had done with his drink moments before. I put my hands on my hips and almost rolled my eyes.

"I was helped out," I answered dismissively, hoping that would be a sufficient explanation. "I need something from you."

He half-snickered, half-snorted before getting up, swaying slightly. "I **bet** ya do," he groaned before heading for the kitchen with me following him.

"I need you to tell me where I can find Katniss' family."

Haymitch froze with his head already stuck in the fridge in search of more alcohol. He stood up straight after a moment and I rose my eyebrows. "Today, preferably," I added sarcastically.

"You're joking, right?"

"I _don't_ joke."

"Well I'm not telling you where to find them," he mumbled. "you must know that it is a very bad idea."

"Besides," he added, taking out a vodka bottle and glancing at me once more. "If you wanna tell them you're sorry she's dead, you can wait with it until it's time for the Victory Tour."

"Her name was _Katniss_ ," I hissed, squeezing my hips painfully. "Did you forget it already?"

Haymitch gaped at me as though I had just slapped him across the face. Sending me one last glare, he slammed the fridge door closed and left me alone in his kitchen.

* * *

Walking down the same streets again that morning, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I had crossed a line. Then again, for a while Haymitch hasn't exactly been acting like he cared much for the events that had gone down in the Arena, much less what would happen next. For a moment I had thought he would be all dedicated and present and _actually_ support me. But ever since we both returned to District 12, he has been absent and just constantly drunk. What good was he to me now? I guess I was stupid to think I wouldn't be alone.

Since Haymitch refused to help me find Katniss' mother and sister, I had to come up with an alternative plan. I wasn't exactly sure if that was a good idea, but I had to at least try. I had to do it for Katniss. She had saved my life twice. I owed her _that_ at least.

An hour had passed and I made it to my destination at last. I could sense I was being watched by everyone around but I decided to stop paying attention to that.

"Hello," I said as I walked up straight to a man that looked like he had a say.

"Uh..." he hesitated, putting down some kind of tool he had in his hand. "What do you need?" he asked me, glancing at the other two guys standing next to us.

"There's someone I need to see," I said in a tone of voice that I hoped sounded confident enough. _"Now."_

The three men looked at each other with half-smirks on their faces. I wondered what was so funny. "You shouldn't really be here, should you?" he rose an eyebrow and I decided it was _my_ time to smirk at _them._

"I'm a Victor. This is important." "I told them, before taking out a few coins from my pocket and showing them what I was willing to give in return. "Please,"

The men again gave each other startled looks but at last, I was given a nod.

"Okay. Who do you need to see so badly then?" he asked, taking my money. I watched him for a few seconds, wondering if he would be able to guess my intentions just from that alone. Taking a deep breath, I decided to risk it:

 _"Gale Hawthorne."_

* * *

 **A/N:** Hey guys. I know that (again) it has been forever, but I'm gonna be honest and say that my life has been feeling like it had completely collapsed and this year has been the toughest time that I remember ever having. So if it wasn't for a writer's block, oftentimes I just was not emotionally capable of coming up with anything. Now that I have ideas and am willing to write, I really have no time. I usually work from 9 to 8 p.m. every day. But anyway, here is another chapter. I am still here. I am going to continue. :) Not sure when I will be able to post another chapter so I would just like to wish you a very Merry Christmas and Happy 2020! :)

Thank you for reading!


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